envie

I got a message from an ex-boyfriend yesterday. He was cleaning his car and found a little bit of wood I used to like rubbing between my fingers, and apparently this event led him to find me on myspace and apologize for being a bad friend to me in the end. Strange. I need to respond somehow. I just haven't formulated how. Tell him that's ok because I was a bad friend to him? I was, in the end. I let hurt control me and I said things I shouldn't expect to be forgiven for. It's been just over two years since I came home from a trip and told him I'd met someone else. I moved out before the next morning, and soon I was living in another state. I guess I don't make small transitions.

It has me ruminating. I'm trying to remember the names of people I knew before. Not boyfriends, because I didn't really have those. I had... flirting partners. The first serious flirting partner I had was someone whose opinions have shaped my perception of beauty and sexuality more than any other single individual. He introduced me to the wonder of stockings and corsets and smooth skin. Speaking with him, I felt like a sexual creature for the first time... maybe the last time too, since I'm far from that now. I hurt him too, with my own immaturity. When I transitioned from friendship to relationship with my first boyfriend (the one causing the ruminations) I fumbled with my own inability to deal with people. My notice, as I could no longer spend hours on the phone with someone far away when I'd just begun my first real relationship, was an email... a cold one, I think. I can't remember the details, and its been purged from the bowels of the internet.

I remember he called me the night after I sent it. New boyfriend was staying over and, rather than give me my privacy, he listened to my side of the conversation. As a result I didn't say much. He was, I think, hopelessly insecure. At the time I thought he was being supportive. I hadn't been introduced to the male ego before.. He wanted me to sit on the phone and tell my friend, who for the first and last time had taken the initiative to call me, and tell him I was in love with my boyfriend. When he went to the bathroom I ended the call abruptly. I think I cried and I apologized profusely, and then I hung up. I told my boyfriend I'd conveyed the message he wanted. I hadn't. Whether because I didn't actually love my new half as much as I was supposed to or because I wanted to be a little humane, or both... I lied.

When I got thinking about this, I did a casual google for him. I found him on myspace. The irony is not lost on me. I have to wonder if, after six years, I really want to email him and convery my own apology for being a stupid child. I feel like I owe him either an apology, or some expression of gratitude for what had to teach me. I had a dream about him not long ago... maybe a few months. I dreamed that I found him and needed to apologize and for some reason I couldn't. I think there was also some intense sex involved, but that's what happens in dreams, right? I tried to look him up then. I was driven by the the need to assuage my own guilt by apologizing. He wasn't on myspace then.

I'm so introspective I even looked up a fellow I had an intense flirtation with a few months ago, to the point of nearly leaving my current boyfriend. I didn't, honestly because I couln't afford to. I hope he doesn't think too ill of me. He probably does, and I don't blame him. Even unwitting I led him to consider impractical futures.

I hurt boys. This seems to be a running trend. And I always feel terrible and then I move on and my conscience only bothers me when I'm asleep with my defenses down.