ennuiwarrior

And I'm going to sleep two nights ago. At least, I was trying.

I hate kvetching about love. I've been doing it since I was 12. Either I have no love, or the love I want is wrong, or I don't love enough, or they don't love enough... so I'm trying to break the mold.

So, I was trying to sleep.

For you: I didn't break up with you. I let you leave because I was not good enough for you. I was still wrapped up in the hurt of my ex-everything and when you really needed me to be there I was not. I think about you every day. Now that I'm better, I wonder if there is a place there for me. I wonder if you have forgiven me.

For you: Pain is such a great teacher. Why do I run from those who would actually love me and give up my life for someone who never did? I knew you never did. Since our first fight, since that look in your eyes I knew I'd never have a true place in your heart. And seven years later, you proved it. And I'm just a little smarter.

For you: You think you are confused? I am confused! Now that we know we are going to keep hitting that threshold, and all my senses and cells say go go go, I don't want to. Because YOU keep bringing me there and you keep acting scared, like you are going to hurt me. Jesus, don't you know my name? Aren't I a fool? Its my role, let me play it.

OKOK, don't say it, I'm a maudlin boy who is immature and weak willed, right? WRONG! This is my strength. This is my gift. This keeps my blood hot and my body electric. I may be a fool for love, but rejoice, it is who I am.