enid

i woke up this morning and on my way to work i was crying the whole 35 min ride. i dont know what got into me but i couldnt stop thinking about all this crazy shit. it all started when i got a letter from my friend in jail, his first couple of letters sounded like he was really happy to hear from me and wanted to speak with me, then his last one was that were totally different people and im different from when he last knew me. it just made me feel like shit. i give myself to all these people and it seems i dont ever get it in return. its like i fail at everything, im a failure in my dads eyes b/c i live with my boyfriend when were not engaged and i have a shitty job and im not going to get a degree, my boyfriend thinks i should have more motivation to look for a job but what he doesnt seem to get is that i dont know what my calling is yet and hes always pissed b/c im constantly tired. and most of all sometimes i feel like a failure in my eyes b/c if i never let down my wall i wouldnt be getting hurt all the time. like how do i fix this. how do i make people see that im worth more than what they think. the only one that never seems to look down at me is my puppy mia, i can never disappoint her. my good friend devon was in iraq and just came home a couple of months ago, the entire time he was there i constantly phoned him and wrote him telling him i was thinking of him, he gets home and i still havent even heard from him. what the hell. and this shit happens all the time. my best friend whos in jail for murder said hes disappointed in me...i dont know for what, he didnt elaborate but how is that possible???




SHRINK
To feel his great urge
to hold and embrace you
I slowly dry out

I shrink and shrink
until I'm gone
nothing to make out of me
oh what the hell went wrong
m heart get pulled out
into your direction
its no use
you have forsaken me

-the gathering