This may be an incoherent mess, but then I just don't care about what other people think. If someone has a problem with me it is there problem. I wish more people would realize that and stop blaming themselves for the actions of others.
There are times when I am reminded of my humanity and the vulnerability that binds to me. The other week I realized that this past decade I started the happiest I had ever been and ended it at the lowest point I had ever been. Generally I would consider myself invulnerable. I have never found any real challenges in this world and often quite bored with it. I can see almost no one as any plausible threat or danger to me. It seems that those who have some adequate concept of me are aware of what I would have done if I had a brother. Except for those who I hold back for, no one can really hurt me. Those who would attempt it often damage themselves far greater in the process of their attack than anything they can achieve upon me in their effort. People who know to avoid my anger and those that don't regret their mistakes. Because of what I am, I protect others from myself. The only vulnerability I really have is to someone who really matters to me. I am filled with infinite love and infinite hate. Few people can get my full love. Well it is hard to explain how it all works accurately. My love has no bounds, no limits, no end. It is eternal and sort of like a geyser that never stops. It is sort of like those pictures of the magnetic field of the earth. In the end it matters who you are. It is not really important. in the end I don't expect my love matters much. It is a complex thing with elements that few would understand. Some I am not sure I can explain to anyone or maybe I can, now. My love is where I am vulnerable. The presence of certain people in my life nourish parts of what I am. The loss of them causes that piece of me to wither like a plant that hasn't been watered, but it cannot die. it just withers and goes into a place, a room. I am eternally haunted by that loss no matter what. I can only be distracted away from it, but it is still there and I still feel it. When someone who was so dear to me just disappears, when I know they had medical risks, had skirted dangerous situations, then they just go silent. I can only try to be hopeful and not be lost to tears. Everything I am is too much so it is easier to hold back then pull it back in. I've had to pull in recently as well. An old friend has come back into my life which resulted in a recent revelation about their identity. We have been communicating the most we ever have. They might be moving close to me within the next year which could be interesting. We might dress up as an elderly couple with a truck from an imaginary sausage company then visiting orphanages to ask them disturbing questions that frame the orphans in the context on livestock. Maybe not as it could get us arrested and I have not performed a character in years. In the middle of a simple conversation about the movie gross pointe blank we discovered we are quite the same on levels and in ways I never thought I would find in this world. Just like me in ways I previously described and more. We have been helping each other to become ourselves again in certain ways. People always tell me to be myself but essentially no one has any idea what that really means. She does as we are similarly afflicted. That realization made a lot of things fall into place. What is the same and what is different makes a lot of things clear about what we are. After all these years, well I am finally seeing the real her. She is now my co-best friend. She doesn't have all the personalities that I do, but like me she is unbreakable. I just have to try to keep the real her anchored and growing despite her love which is likely to end tragically. We are sort of reaching one hand back and holding each others shirts. We love who we love for whatever complex reasons those are. I wish I could pluck him away and give him to her. For those that I love there is almost nothing I would do for them. The rest of the world I would snap my fingers and banish to hells humanity can barely imagine. Those that I love I would sacrifice myself for quite readily. I do not care about myself. You could say the universe has always taken care of me in a way. It is the same for her, but still. I always accepted my fate. I would not see her suffer the same. At least we now have each other to understand being this I would like to live a life of something relatively "normal". what some might call a "real" life. I have always wanted that. I almost had it once, for a while. It slipped away. I can never really be normal but I could live a life of certain human things. Whether or not anyone chooses that with me I will still have my friend. I believe, I hope. Someone described a premonition they had including me. Telling me things will work out for me and seeing a world of drastic, chaotic change in the future. Whatever happens, I know now that there are more like me. I think I know how to find them. I know what they are capable of. How many there are I have no idea. There are great people who are not like us. I have felt them. I feel everyone. If I can find the rest of those like us then I could make things people think are impossible, possible. Some one very dear to me has been suffering through the wickedness of mankind inflicted on a friend of hers. Humans are not innately good or evil. Such concepts are imaginary things for an imaginary human world. They are just animals with the luxury of a relative stability in life. "evil" is a side effect of selfishness, fear and pain. often the result of someone else's demons being passed on to them. Biology and environment are a complex stew, but you can still dissect a stew into it constituent parts and describe the life of each part. At the same time, some actions are unacceptable. The real laws of life are quite simple. Any act against the sacredness of women cannot be accepted. When the reality beneath the "reality" is allowed to be again then we will live in a world laden with love and beauty. Real humanity is beautiful. I just haven't met many humans, just broken children and empty shells. Whatever life comes to me. Where ever my path leads and who walks it with me. I know what I live for. I know what I will fight for. I know what I will love for. I know what I will die for. my mediocrity serves no one. Those that I love deserve better. Whether or not my human dreams can be, I will not let my love go to waste.
There are times when I am reminded of my humanity and the vulnerability that binds to me. The other week I realized that this past decade I started the happiest I had ever been and ended it at the lowest point I had ever been. Generally I would consider myself invulnerable. I have never found any real challenges in this world and often quite bored with it. I can see almost no one as any plausible threat or danger to me. It seems that those who have some adequate concept of me are aware of what I would have done if I had a brother. Except for those who I hold back for, no one can really hurt me. Those who would attempt it often damage themselves far greater in the process of their attack than anything they can achieve upon me in their effort. People who know to avoid my anger and those that don't regret their mistakes. Because of what I am, I protect others from myself. The only vulnerability I really have is to someone who really matters to me. I am filled with infinite love and infinite hate. Few people can get my full love. Well it is hard to explain how it all works accurately. My love has no bounds, no limits, no end. It is eternal and sort of like a geyser that never stops. It is sort of like those pictures of the magnetic field of the earth. In the end it matters who you are. It is not really important. in the end I don't expect my love matters much. It is a complex thing with elements that few would understand. Some I am not sure I can explain to anyone or maybe I can, now. My love is where I am vulnerable. The presence of certain people in my life nourish parts of what I am. The loss of them causes that piece of me to wither like a plant that hasn't been watered, but it cannot die. it just withers and goes into a place, a room. I am eternally haunted by that loss no matter what. I can only be distracted away from it, but it is still there and I still feel it. When someone who was so dear to me just disappears, when I know they had medical risks, had skirted dangerous situations, then they just go silent. I can only try to be hopeful and not be lost to tears. Everything I am is too much so it is easier to hold back then pull it back in. I've had to pull in recently as well. An old friend has come back into my life which resulted in a recent revelation about their identity. We have been communicating the most we ever have. They might be moving close to me within the next year which could be interesting. We might dress up as an elderly couple with a truck from an imaginary sausage company then visiting orphanages to ask them disturbing questions that frame the orphans in the context on livestock. Maybe not as it could get us arrested and I have not performed a character in years. In the middle of a simple conversation about the movie gross pointe blank we discovered we are quite the same on levels and in ways I never thought I would find in this world. Just like me in ways I previously described and more. We have been helping each other to become ourselves again in certain ways. People always tell me to be myself but essentially no one has any idea what that really means. She does as we are similarly afflicted. That realization made a lot of things fall into place. What is the same and what is different makes a lot of things clear about what we are. After all these years, well I am finally seeing the real her. She is now my co-best friend. She doesn't have all the personalities that I do, but like me she is unbreakable. I just have to try to keep the real her anchored and growing despite her love which is likely to end tragically. We are sort of reaching one hand back and holding each others shirts. We love who we love for whatever complex reasons those are. I wish I could pluck him away and give him to her. For those that I love there is almost nothing I would do for them. The rest of the world I would snap my fingers and banish to hells humanity can barely imagine. Those that I love I would sacrifice myself for quite readily. I do not care about myself. You could say the universe has always taken care of me in a way. It is the same for her, but still. I always accepted my fate. I would not see her suffer the same. At least we now have each other to understand being this I would like to live a life of something relatively "normal". what some might call a "real" life. I have always wanted that. I almost had it once, for a while. It slipped away. I can never really be normal but I could live a life of certain human things. Whether or not anyone chooses that with me I will still have my friend. I believe, I hope. Someone described a premonition they had including me. Telling me things will work out for me and seeing a world of drastic, chaotic change in the future. Whatever happens, I know now that there are more like me. I think I know how to find them. I know what they are capable of. How many there are I have no idea. There are great people who are not like us. I have felt them. I feel everyone. If I can find the rest of those like us then I could make things people think are impossible, possible. Some one very dear to me has been suffering through the wickedness of mankind inflicted on a friend of hers. Humans are not innately good or evil. Such concepts are imaginary things for an imaginary human world. They are just animals with the luxury of a relative stability in life. "evil" is a side effect of selfishness, fear and pain. often the result of someone else's demons being passed on to them. Biology and environment are a complex stew, but you can still dissect a stew into it constituent parts and describe the life of each part. At the same time, some actions are unacceptable. The real laws of life are quite simple. Any act against the sacredness of women cannot be accepted. When the reality beneath the "reality" is allowed to be again then we will live in a world laden with love and beauty. Real humanity is beautiful. I just haven't met many humans, just broken children and empty shells. Whatever life comes to me. Where ever my path leads and who walks it with me. I know what I live for. I know what I will fight for. I know what I will love for. I know what I will die for. my mediocrity serves no one. Those that I love deserve better. Whether or not my human dreams can be, I will not let my love go to waste.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
cassy:
wow 
mel13:
Your love will never go to waste.