I wish I lived in a forest that was black and dead. One where it was night all the time. Lingering fog every where limiting visibility to a short measure of feet. I want to sit in a deep dark cave in the center of it. watching through the entrance, feeling my forest. Waiting and watching for intruders to destroy so that I can be all alone in the dark.
I want to live forever. I want to learn everything that can be possibly learned until there is nothing left except the universe rotting around me. living the death of everything until my body is destroyed as my atoms dissipate.
I spend much of my time meditating on death. Longing to fight battles that I cannot win. Pressing myself until I falter and am destroyed.
I have always been in pain. i always am in pain. It feels like every layer and type of tissue in my body is aching. Every joint in my body cracks. Everyone one is filled with gas making them feel sour and poisoned. The only thing that changes really is the energy I have to focus and control the pain.
I feel ill and heavy. I feel like I am made of light. I feel like I am glowing and radiating. I feel like I am surrounded by an endless viscous fluid. I feel everything more and more. I feel like anything that happens in the fluid I sense ever more directly than before. It is like a shark in the ocean sensing vibrations, electrical activity and the faintest scents. More and more days are like I am watching reruns on television. I've seen so much happening before, so many times.
There is almost no one I can or could stand to have around me. Crystal is here but I rent a separate place for her in the basement to occupy. There are few people I could actually ever have occupy my space. Those instances didn't last. I am not tolerable for long. I only celebrate holidays because my family is too small to accept me, so I humor them. I generally try to keep as much of everything to myself as whatever anyone would want to call the real me is just not tolerable and acceptable anywhere. I have too much in my head to communicate.
I want to live forever. I want to learn everything that can be possibly learned until there is nothing left except the universe rotting around me. living the death of everything until my body is destroyed as my atoms dissipate.
I spend much of my time meditating on death. Longing to fight battles that I cannot win. Pressing myself until I falter and am destroyed.
I have always been in pain. i always am in pain. It feels like every layer and type of tissue in my body is aching. Every joint in my body cracks. Everyone one is filled with gas making them feel sour and poisoned. The only thing that changes really is the energy I have to focus and control the pain.
I feel ill and heavy. I feel like I am made of light. I feel like I am glowing and radiating. I feel like I am surrounded by an endless viscous fluid. I feel everything more and more. I feel like anything that happens in the fluid I sense ever more directly than before. It is like a shark in the ocean sensing vibrations, electrical activity and the faintest scents. More and more days are like I am watching reruns on television. I've seen so much happening before, so many times.
There is almost no one I can or could stand to have around me. Crystal is here but I rent a separate place for her in the basement to occupy. There are few people I could actually ever have occupy my space. Those instances didn't last. I am not tolerable for long. I only celebrate holidays because my family is too small to accept me, so I humor them. I generally try to keep as much of everything to myself as whatever anyone would want to call the real me is just not tolerable and acceptable anywhere. I have too much in my head to communicate.
of course i don't know you well and don't claim to know what's up...but you have always been kind to me, i remember these things....
You'll find an angel or two along the way darling, an angel to your demon, and they can save you if you let them, as much as you can save others.