endquire

I have been shutting things down here and there. My life has lead up to a point where I would come to some clarity and understanding of my life, why it has followed the path it has, why I have seen what I have seen, and everything else. I found all that I was suppose to find. This universe was not one in which those pieces were meant to fit together. Where I will go or what I will do now I do not know. I am weighing my options. I just know that I can no longer afford to risk being in anyone else's life. I cannot love anyone any more. I know who my love was meant for. Who I was searching for and it is all gone now. The gates that were opened are now closed. There can never be anyone new in my life. I never wanted this life to begin with. I never wanted to interact with anyone. I never wanted to feel or care. People being too close to me was always painful anyway. I tried to simplify things and communicate what I could but it never really got me anywhere. All of my gifts were lost in myself. I never wanted anyone that I loved to be with me and be involved in this. I needed what I needed. I couldn't make it work. My failure sets me free. So I will go figure out what to do with myself. I hope that all those who I have cherished can find themselves, who they truly are beneath the mess of everything. I know it is hard as pretending to be like everyone else for thirty years had even begun to get to me and I lost myself for a time. It may have not have been quite that simple but it happened none the less. Being what I am in this time frame has not proven fruitful. I know this is all ambiguous and meaningless to anyone who may read it. I know that in other universes I have succeeded and I have failed. Some I have hopefully found something in between. Maybe this will play out again in this life and I will succeed then if it happens. I was happier back there. Those aren't the right words. I preferred it there. At least know that the most important truth is that if everyone worked together for the best result for everyone involved then people would not have the problems they have. I had a plan for that. I always struggle with helping people or letting them figure it out. If people cannot figure it out I always saw it as their failure. I can never decide.