There exists in me a great desire to step out and beyond these lines drawn in my life. It has never been a matter of rebellion or refusal of role, more an unspoken urge to somehow become more than I'm expected to be. And yet, I've nobody to impress, nobody to live up to. I don't aspire to become a great parent, a political leader, or some lifesaving scientist. Only me, but more.
I realize this blog is an incredible concentration of negativity, and I apologize for that. I'm not really certain anyone even reads this, but the apology is needed regardless. Maybe it is just as much for me, as for anyone else.
Truth is, I'm finding life very lonely just now. I like to think of myself as an intelligent, interesting fellow... yet there seems to be so few people to share ideas, goals, thoughts or opinions with lately. I am struggling to relate, in other words. I know now that Calgary isn't the place for me - too much economy, too little culture. Though I am as much a product of the Albertan economic engine as anyone else, I yearn for a little more freedom, a little more art. I feel smothered in this town, and it ruins my mood.
I'm trying to find work, but I'm afraid to do so. I don't want to get tied down into some nonsense job (as I'm pretty much unqualified for any "real" work) that will ruin any chance for my personal pursuits. I still need music, need to write, to draw and paint and explore. But mostly, I believe I need to converse. I need some open ears and willing partners. Would I find that, at some menial labor job? I'm not certain. But I suppose I have to try.
I'll do my best to keep this blog as a more positive record. I'm coming out of heartbreak. I'm coming back into happiness. I hope this can be a history of such.
"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
I realize this blog is an incredible concentration of negativity, and I apologize for that. I'm not really certain anyone even reads this, but the apology is needed regardless. Maybe it is just as much for me, as for anyone else.
Truth is, I'm finding life very lonely just now. I like to think of myself as an intelligent, interesting fellow... yet there seems to be so few people to share ideas, goals, thoughts or opinions with lately. I am struggling to relate, in other words. I know now that Calgary isn't the place for me - too much economy, too little culture. Though I am as much a product of the Albertan economic engine as anyone else, I yearn for a little more freedom, a little more art. I feel smothered in this town, and it ruins my mood.
I'm trying to find work, but I'm afraid to do so. I don't want to get tied down into some nonsense job (as I'm pretty much unqualified for any "real" work) that will ruin any chance for my personal pursuits. I still need music, need to write, to draw and paint and explore. But mostly, I believe I need to converse. I need some open ears and willing partners. Would I find that, at some menial labor job? I'm not certain. But I suppose I have to try.
I'll do my best to keep this blog as a more positive record. I'm coming out of heartbreak. I'm coming back into happiness. I hope this can be a history of such.
"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."