emperor_tane

I have done alot of thinking, lately. And I have discovered something about myself. I am afraid to love. This fear was created on January 08, 1994 in a cold hospital room, as my grandmother lay dying.

I loved her with all my heart. When she was alive, the two of us were always together. She used to call me her "baby boy". Yet, all the love I had for her, wasn't able to keep her alive. I thought for sure that she would have pulled through her illness and I would get to see her laugh or feel her arms around me once again.... but my love wasn't enough to keep her alive... it failed me....

So now 11 years later, I have developed a fear of love or expressing emotion. Her death impacted me and I am still experiencing the repercussions. I don't really put my whole heart into anything anymore.

I am afraid if I do allow myself to be happy and loved, then that love that failed me before.... will do so again. And for those of you who have been in love and lost it.. that feeling is the most horrable feeling in the entire world. I am not ready to experience that feeling again... I mean I am still suffering from the loss of love 11 years after the fact.

So I don't know... I usually don't post inner feelings and reflections of myself in my journal.. but today... I just really feel lonely and depressed

Tane