emperor_norton

Saw A Scanner Darkly tonight. Outstanding film, probably the most successful film adaptation of Dick's books (Bladerunner was a great, great film, but was radically different in comparison to its original source material).

The problem with viewing a great film is that it always leaves me in a bit of a melancholy mood. A part of it may just be jealousy, the thoughts in my head shifting between "why I haven't done something this good yet" to "I can do better than this" to "I will die in obscurity and all my aspirations will be for nothing". I never get this feeling when finishing a great book or watching a DVD. I think a lot of it has to do with the audience environment of going to the theater, to share that moment of witnessing something great with other people. I've never really been one to affiliate myself with groups, be it clubs, political organizations, or subcultures (more or less because nothing seems to fit me). The only time I feel fully a part of a mass, a part of a community, is through art, through making art, and through the appreciation of art.

I hate being such a buzzkill in this entry, but I have to vent to somebody. Right now, I'm seized by this sense of dreadful anticipation, as though I had just stumbled into the shadow of something vague and mammoth and potentially hazardous. Its a bit like staring at the soil and waiting for a seed to sprout something, anything. Christ, I can't even say I'm bored with my life right now. Restless, anxious, jittery: better words to describe my current situation.

Anyway: I'm going to bed. That's enough semi-coherent rambling for one night.