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emmy_mayhem

albucracky, born and raised

Member Since 2004

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Saturday Jun 12, 2004

Jun 12, 2004
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I went to Dome Fest last night, and it was the coolest thing ever. Cat had animation in it (eggs! why is everything about eggs! especially omelettes...), and there was catering from Carabba's and orange soda. I giggled like a 5 year old, and hid behind my program when one of the animations did this inversion trick and looked like it was going to land on my head. It was awesome. I couldnt sit still it was so exciting. As a lighting kid, so many new horizons were opened and design ideas were just pouring out of my ears. I wish I could be a dome animator.
TV and stage are so boring now, square, small, non immersion techniques. I need to grow up to be a dome-filmmakers-lighting designer. Yea.

Everyone seems to be doing such cool projects, or have cool jobs, or just in general be doing more fun things than I am. Grass is greener, I suppose, but I have all these ambitions in my head and I feel like they will never get realised. I feel like I will be working at the Super Walmart for my whole life and that all my creativity will fizzle out. All my good ideas will be wasted. I dont know how to fix it. I guess there is still time and stuff, but I want to start now. I want to be working on groundbreaking projects now. I want to be excited to wake up each day, and right now there is nothing for me to be excited about. I want to be a ML programmer.

I got financially disenrolled from school. Which means, unless I can come up with a lot of money before school starts in the fall, I dont get to take any classes. I think that if I stop going now I will never go back. I will be a real failure, not just the sorta failure I am now. I want to go to school. I want to be sucessful in life. I want everything to work out.

I feel so trapped.

I need to run away to DC with my car, and work at Tower Records and live with my family and go swing dancing every night. I miss them so much. But that takes money, and I need to go to school, and manage my show, and get a 'real' job and start being productive in life. Im a flop. I just want to be OK.

I want to be more than OK.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
molonel:
By the way: you have "wysiwyg" under Body Mods. But if you don't have any pics of yourself online right now, then you aren't really seeing anything, are you?
Jun 13, 2004
molonel:
Oh, and ...

Omelettes contain everything that is good in life.

The grass is always greener. I'm at a point in my life where I feel like the ship of my ambitions is actually turning around somewhat. I've arranged my life so that I only work 3 days a week, and am writing like never before. And yet, I always find somehow to be unhappy, impatient, dissatisfied. It's hard to arrange your life to satisfy your creativity. I've only come close to achieving it in the last year or so. The wrong job can crush it. You're dead right about that. It sounds cheesy and trite, but pursuing your creativity is more like a weightloss program than the the Romantic ideal of the Muse coming to your bedroom one night with poetry dripping from her fingers. You have to keep working at it, bit by bit, especially if your life (like mine) seems to hit more red lights than green lights.

Even if you have to take a semester off, I recommend staying in the same area as your school until you're finished. Another thing you are absolutely right about is that once you leave, it becomes progressively harder and harder to go back.

Failure. I've failed at so many things, and I'm barely 30. Well, 32 later this month. But closer to 30 than 35, and much closer to 30 than 40. I'm one of those people to whom God seems content to dole out success with an eyedropper. More about that another time.
Jun 13, 2004

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