Ah, bulimia....how u shall forever haunt me.
I wish I was pretty so I wouldn't have to put myself thru so much shit, so much criticism. Or at least I wish I thought I was pretty.
I wish my face wasn't so fucking crooked. I wish I didn't always have these puffy dark circles under my eyes that I can't hide, no matter how much sleep I get or make-up I put on. I wish my nose wasn't weird, and I wish I didn't have dimples on my ass and short, shapeless legs. I wish I had better self control.
And I wish I didn't have such a short fucking attention span, so I could actually LEARN something every now and then and not forget it. Maybe I'd actually feel smart if I could retain knowledge. Being opinionated and passionate is one thing, but being able to back up my opinions with sound knowledge and explain things thoroughly without fucking up or forgetting words would be awesome. But I can never seem to get there....it's like my brain is un-attached and fluttering clumsily about.
I can't even come up w/ smart-alec comments anymore. I used to have a pretty quick wit. Now I kind of just stand there dumbfounded, desperately searching for words that are there but obscured by some sort of fog, and either act like I didn't hear or blurt out an ill-executed counter-insult that comes out more like a pathetic whimper than a triumphant comeback. It might not seem like a big deal, but it makes me sad, because to me that's a sure sign that I'm either losing myself somewhere or my brain is starting to curdle. Or both.
Maybe I just think too much. Maybe I worry too much about how I sound or look to other people and so I curb my real self to avoid being vulnerable. I used to feel pretty confident in my interractions w/ other people; now I only feel comfortable around my closest friends. Even then, I sometimes keep myself in check.
Self-loathing is the worst of addictions. Nate was telling me the other day that it hurts him that I don't see anything positive about myself, or that maybe I deny anything positive. And it's true; as soon as I start to like a part of my appearence or personality, I scold myself for liking it, because it could always be better, and it's silly of me to think that there could be anything about me that doesn't need improvement or change.
I'm not smart, just creative. And I'm not really creative, just good at drawing. But I don't really draw that well...I'm just good at making things look like what they are. And I'm not special or unique...just wishing to be so.
Please don't think of this as a cry for help, attention, comfort, pity, or anything similar. I guess I just needed to let everyone know the truth from my perspective. I get down on myself sometimes.
I hope everyone is well.
I wish I was pretty so I wouldn't have to put myself thru so much shit, so much criticism. Or at least I wish I thought I was pretty.
I wish my face wasn't so fucking crooked. I wish I didn't always have these puffy dark circles under my eyes that I can't hide, no matter how much sleep I get or make-up I put on. I wish my nose wasn't weird, and I wish I didn't have dimples on my ass and short, shapeless legs. I wish I had better self control.
And I wish I didn't have such a short fucking attention span, so I could actually LEARN something every now and then and not forget it. Maybe I'd actually feel smart if I could retain knowledge. Being opinionated and passionate is one thing, but being able to back up my opinions with sound knowledge and explain things thoroughly without fucking up or forgetting words would be awesome. But I can never seem to get there....it's like my brain is un-attached and fluttering clumsily about.
I can't even come up w/ smart-alec comments anymore. I used to have a pretty quick wit. Now I kind of just stand there dumbfounded, desperately searching for words that are there but obscured by some sort of fog, and either act like I didn't hear or blurt out an ill-executed counter-insult that comes out more like a pathetic whimper than a triumphant comeback. It might not seem like a big deal, but it makes me sad, because to me that's a sure sign that I'm either losing myself somewhere or my brain is starting to curdle. Or both.
Maybe I just think too much. Maybe I worry too much about how I sound or look to other people and so I curb my real self to avoid being vulnerable. I used to feel pretty confident in my interractions w/ other people; now I only feel comfortable around my closest friends. Even then, I sometimes keep myself in check.
Self-loathing is the worst of addictions. Nate was telling me the other day that it hurts him that I don't see anything positive about myself, or that maybe I deny anything positive. And it's true; as soon as I start to like a part of my appearence or personality, I scold myself for liking it, because it could always be better, and it's silly of me to think that there could be anything about me that doesn't need improvement or change.
I'm not smart, just creative. And I'm not really creative, just good at drawing. But I don't really draw that well...I'm just good at making things look like what they are. And I'm not special or unique...just wishing to be so.
Please don't think of this as a cry for help, attention, comfort, pity, or anything similar. I guess I just needed to let everyone know the truth from my perspective. I get down on myself sometimes.
I hope everyone is well.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
You are pretty but I know it would sound much better if a guy was telling you, but I do think you are pretty. And I have learned that it only matters if you think you are pretty because everyone else are going to have their opinions and you never want to set your worth of beauty on their heads......never I say. It's easier said then done but I believe these days will past you and me!