emiloo

I am TIIIIIRRED. But a good tired. Man I haven't updated all week. Well, lets start from last weekend.....Saturday after I had me whole river revelations, I went to visit my friend Emily at work. We made plans to see Stepford Wives after she got off work, which we did, and it sucked. But after that, we decided, at about midnight, to go camping. So we ran back and forth to each other's houses (she lives about 10 min. away,) getting our shit like sleeping bags and guitars and me violin together in hopes of making some pretty music. Then we realized that neither of us had a tent. (John and I had one together...and we had a big argument on who could keep it. It was like being divorced and arguing over who keeps the house. HILARIOUS.) So we went to Wal-Mart and I gots me a little tent, and when we realized we didn't have firewood she remembered that her ex's family kept a bunch in their backyard. So we fucking drove out there at 1am and hopped the fence to "borrow" some firewood. Unfortunately, she wasn't aware that they had gotten a dog. I don't know how, but apparently no one heard the damn thing barking, so we got out safely. SO NOW that we finally have all our shit together, we drive out to this campsite that's about 20min away, only to find that they were closed for the night, and there was no one to be found who would take our money. (Don't most places have at least one night person for this shit??) That's when I remembered that there was a spot a couple miles down that John and I would sneak into to go campings sans paying. So we hop back into my car to go find it, but got lost as hell cuz I couldn't find the way.By the time we find our way back to the highway, it's 2:30. So we're like, fuck it, and went camping in my back yard. It was fun....except for the fact that we went straight to sleep. Man...that took way more typing than I wanted. Moving on...

The next day was uneventful until I stupidly went to John's to "drop off his stuff." (Pathetic excuse for being pathetic enough to want to see him.) I had been very emotional for days over something he said and didn't want to say anything to him cuz I knew we would get in a fight, but he could tell I was really distant, and kept asking me what was wrong. So I kinda went outta my head and started crying and saying how I didn't know what was wrong or how I felt, just that I was lonely without him and that I was ashamed for still having feelings of remorse over the whole breakup when he acted like it was nothing. So I don't know what happened next...not important...we just ended up fighting and crying and I peeled out of his driveway screaming fuck you. Pleasant times!! Man oh man nothing makes me wanna kill myself like that boy. I lose control when I'm around him. WHich is why I'm trying to not be around him....which is sad and sucky, but I'm fuckin tired of getting upset everytime I even hear his voice. SO ANYWAY.

Sunday I had Nate and Melissa come over so we could mix up some henna paste I got from the veggie store and paint pictures on each other. None of us had ever done it before, so we had no idea what it was going to look like or how hard to squeeze the tubey thing, so it took a couple of experiments until we could get anything to look good. But Melissa ended up w/ a four leaf clover on her tummy that Nate did, (unfortunately, that was one of the experiments, and it turned out lopsided,) then I drew the pisces fish on nate's forearm. It looks damn good, if I do say so myself. Then Melissa went home, and Nate drew a huge tree on my back w/ my name hidden in the roots. He's a fucking amazing artist. I've never seen anyone take little doodles and turn them into an actual picture or words, but only if u look at it right. It looks really good...the color didn't take well on my skin for some reason, but it looks wicked as hell. It took almost 2 hours. I really need to get a camera...cuz I'd like to post some pics of it. But yeah, um....I realized that night a lot of things about Nate....that i really really like. And I'm starting to see that no matter how hard I resist and say that I need time to myself, deep down I really want to be w/ him. Like, a couple weeks ago I kept telling myself, and everyone else, that I wasn't interested in having any sort of relationship, and it was true at the time, but I think it was moreso because the thing w/ John was still so raw and I was still pining over him. But now that I've distanced myself from him, feelings I have had for nate are really starting to grow. It seems so sudden, I know, and especially cuz I haven't updated all week, but the past I'd say week and a half, we've become so close, moreso than before, and it's getting hard for me to not completely fall for him. I talked to him about it last night, after we had been watching cartoons at my place for hours. My wants right now are very clear, but my needs are still kind of foggy. What I want is what I had last night....someone who makes me fuckin happy, and who makes me feel good about myself, and who actually truly makes me feel beautiful, and I never feel beautiful. He makes me feel like I'm smart, and funny, and that the words that come out of my mouth aren't just pointless rambles, but intelligent and thoughtful opinions. He's the first guy I've ever known who doesn't make me feel below him, or dumb, or not quite up to his standards. And i'm thinking that I'm going to be moving in the fall, and we only have this summer together until our lives pull us in different directions, and that I should seize the opportunity to be this happy while I can, cuz I don't know when a person like him is going to come along again. But shouldn't I be basking in my single-ness right now?? Is he just a rebound for me? Is it smart or healthy for me to hand my heart over again, so soon, and for only a short time??? GOD I have no fucking idea. What I know right now is that last night was fucking great and I was happy and felt warm and beautiful and he's an amazing kisser. And maybe that's all I need right now. Maybe i just shouldn't complicate it, and let things flow. No clue. But I'm happy, very happy.