emiloo

I think my uterus is going to explode. At least it feels that way.

I sat by my favorite river spot today and thought, stuck my feet in the water and made cool shapes w/ my toes, created waterless caves in the little waterfall by cupping my hands in the flow, and saw a crane preening its feather and stretching its gawky legs and neck. I've been feeling shitty all weekend and nothing has helped like the river. I've been all pissy and down on myself, confused and irritable, and everyone who has tried to help (besides u guys...for some reason it seems less intrusive when people u barely know are willing to give their words of support, maybe because "real" friends make it sometimes seem like an obligation,) has just made me more frustrated. But being by myself for just that hour, listening to the water and watching it moving so swiftly, taking all the helpless little twigs and leaves with it, is so soothing. Life is a lot like a river...sweeping us up, tossing us around and nearly drowning us, letting us float peacefully for a while before coming to a big waterfall. And u know, it's crazy how even though the river is always always moving, it's never really going anywhere, just kind of recycling itself. The water that touched my hands is the same exact water that was there years or months or days ago, and I have touched that water already many times before. And even though all the twigs and leaves are going in different directions and taking different shapes they're all going to end up in the same place, and decay, and come back again. Just like how all humans are always going in different directions and our lives take different shapes, but these paths have already been followed many times before and similar shapes have already been made. I don't know where I'm going with this, but like,.....we're all the same, u know? By despising someone or adoring someone, ur really despising or adoring urself, cuz we're all human, and we're all of the same mixture, and we're all trying to survive, trying to make sense and trying desperately to feel like there is more to life than just floating along and being tossed and then washing upshore just to come back and do it again in some other form, and I think that's the mistake we make as humans; instead of being one with life and the energies and flow of the earth we try to control it, try to pretend we're something other than tiny pointless lifeforms that have no more or less meaning than a rock or an iguana when it comes to our role with the rest of nature. But we do have roles in each other's lives, whether it be a mother or a singer someone looks up to or that customer who annoys everyone at the store, so really in the scheme of things and in comparison with the rest of the universe we are nothing, but to each other we are everything. What the fuck am I talking about, I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say. I don't even think I'm trying to say anything. We are nothing and everything and life is a river and we are just things floating in it, and for some reason aren't content with just floating and are always searching for a reason, but really there is no reason, just life. Just fucking life, damnit. And all I have are words, and my thoughts.

Anyway, rivers are awesome. I wish I could hug one. Hug life.