Well dudes, it's over w/ me and John. I wrote him this loooong ass email saying that basically we shouldn't keep pushing something that isn't going to work, and that it's really neither of our faults that we simply choose different lifestyles and can't seem to get past that. Well, after I wrote it he calls me, and I asked him if he read my email, and he said that he hadn't been online in days cuz his comp. is down, and asked me to read it to him instead. So I did, which was really difficult, and he was just like, "Wow...I couldn't have said it better myself." So yeah, it was completely mutual, which I am happy about but at the same time...being a selfish piece of shit...I'm kinda sad to think that he didn't want to be together anymore, either. 
Well, I'm sad all around actually. It's so painful to let go of something u have loved and worked for so long. The thing that makes me the most upset is worrying about what he's going to be doing to himself now that we're not together, which I know is going to be a lot of partying and drugs, and he even admits that he has little to no self-control when it comes to those things, and I can just see him going thru a downward spiral. I know I can't take care of him, I understand that he's not ready and may never be ready to stop and that I have no control over that. But I keep thinking of him possibly getting hurt or sick and it keeps making me nauseous and shaky. DAMNIT I wish I could just stop wanting to "save" him from something that I think isn't healthy for him and will just hurt him in the long run, but I keep having to remind myself that it's not for me to decide what's right or wrong for anybody. He just seems so much happier when he's straight, though...god I need to stop thinking about this before my eyes swell up again.
Oh, and I'm not ready for another relationship yet. Probably not for a long tine. Hopefully my "sidelines" guy is gonna understand. I think he will.
Thanx for all ur words of support, guys. It makes me feel so much better that someone is out there who is willing to listen (read?) and understands, if even a little bit. I'm really, really grateful.
Well, I'm sad all around actually. It's so painful to let go of something u have loved and worked for so long. The thing that makes me the most upset is worrying about what he's going to be doing to himself now that we're not together, which I know is going to be a lot of partying and drugs, and he even admits that he has little to no self-control when it comes to those things, and I can just see him going thru a downward spiral. I know I can't take care of him, I understand that he's not ready and may never be ready to stop and that I have no control over that. But I keep thinking of him possibly getting hurt or sick and it keeps making me nauseous and shaky. DAMNIT I wish I could just stop wanting to "save" him from something that I think isn't healthy for him and will just hurt him in the long run, but I keep having to remind myself that it's not for me to decide what's right or wrong for anybody. He just seems so much happier when he's straight, though...god I need to stop thinking about this before my eyes swell up again.
Oh, and I'm not ready for another relationship yet. Probably not for a long tine. Hopefully my "sidelines" guy is gonna understand. I think he will.
Thanx for all ur words of support, guys. It makes me feel so much better that someone is out there who is willing to listen (read?) and understands, if even a little bit. I'm really, really grateful.
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you better yet? hope so i'm more in the mood to talk today, but for once i don't reall have that much sound advice other than to trust to your instinct, don't think but feel, instinct is never wrong, feel waht is right, feel what is wrong. he will egt by with or without your help, but you are a brilliant person for helping him, but if all you do is give and there is never anything sent back your way, then you will become drained withdrawn and insular, give certainly for its the best things humans can do, but beware giving too much less it takes too much from you.
so in wrap up, fell what you want and need to do. and remeber your rockin'
smile