emiloo

I have only talked to John once all weekend. He lost his phone at Hookahville, and the phone at his dorm is broken. He said if he can find any other way to get ahold of me, he will. But apparently, there aren't pay phones in Columbus, and none of his friends will let him borrow their phone for even 5 minutes, cuz he hasn't called. And I really need to talk to him, cuz I'm getting really sick of his shit, and I have this wonderful person who is waiting on the sidelines to see what I will do, to see if we will ever have anything together, and let me tell u, he is one patient motherfucker and he will probably wait there for a loooong time, because first of all I can't talk to the person who will be the deciding factor in all of this, and second because I am so afraid to take risks and make hard decisions. And it's really not fair to him, and John is really not fair to me, and basically life is unfair, but what can u do? I certainly don't know. All I know is that he said he'd wait, and that although he thinks I deserve better than John, I also deserve better than what he can give me as well. Then he said he just wants to see me happy, and for the first time, although many have said it, I actually believed those words to be sincere.

My biggest fear is that I will hurt someone that I love. And no matter what I decide, I am going to hurt someone that I love. I just don't know who I love more. I don't know who will hurt more. I only know which one will make me happier, but my happiness has never been much of my concern.

I just wish I could talk to John.