Hello.
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(That was supposed to represent a long pause.)
So uh, whats up? Really, what r u doing right now? I'm talking to my bro and waiting for john to return to his computer so i can continue talking to him (both on aim,) listening to some online radio station that is playing a smashing pumpkins song that i've never heard, and demonstrating some really bad posture.
I had kind of shitty weekend. Friday I was supposed to go w/ a couple friends and john to see A Perfect Circle in cleveland at 8pm, but since he had a fucking doctors appointment @ 3;30 and didn't leave columbus till 5, we ended up not leaving for cleveland till 7:30 (my friends had already gone,) and arrived at the concert at 10:15, which ended 45 min. later. I payed fuckin $92.00 for our tickets. (Ticket Master is corporate EVIL.) Then we ended up driving around for an hour trying to find a fucking hotel accepted people over 18 instead of 21, and once we did, the room we stayed in didnt have working lights and used thin pieces of foam as a blanket. (Thank god there was at least a sheet under the foam.) That actually wasnt so bad...I like crappy hotels. They're fun and risky. Anyway, so the next morning after forced sex (i was so not in the mood, and not "that" kind of forced,) we drove home and argued the whole time, then got in a huge argument that night, almost broke-up AGAIN, then he left today. Things just haven't been working since he left for school...I'm not sure if they will again, either. But I have this horrible soft-spot for people who are depressed and/or confused, and think that I can somehow save them. I know its impossible, but i try anyway, even if their happiness equals my misery. I'm gonna die giving myself to someone someday.
But enough being depressing. U know what really helps me when I see no hope in the world or in my life? It sounds so lame, but having a connection with nature. It is the only thing that i can't find fault or corruption in. Sometimes I get sad when I'm near a polluted river or forest, but I know it's not the river or forests' fault. It's just a gentle victim of man, unselfish, forever giving, never resentful or biased. So when I'm down or think that there is nothing in the world worth living for, i take my dog or just go by myself and lie in the grass, walk around barefoot in the mud or river, sit on a rock, lean against or climb a tree, and just listen and watch. There's SO much that goes on that people are often too caught up in themselves to realize. U think we have an advanced society? Have u ever watched or read about ants? They're fucking AMAZING! With they don't even have tools, or hands to hold tools with, and they fucking carve out entire cities in the dirt. No need for fancy construction equipment or 4 year architect degrees for them. Humans make everything so damn complicated. Do u really need a 3 story house w/ 2 bathrooms and 3 bedrooms aith fuckin 2 tvs on each floor? Hell no. Just some dirt and stone and ur fuckin set. We are so inferior to animals. They have all their basic survival needs built in. Sharp teeth and fur for some, wings, fins or antennae for others. We don't have these things. (Antennae would be so cool, haha.) So we use our all powerful intellect so we can match up. But is being artificially equal enough?? Oh no, we have to be better and stronger and throw things so fuckin off-balance that water isn't even drink-able and there are more houses than there are trees. (Ok, maybe not yet, but just wait. It'll happen.) It digusts me how people can take this planet, this beautiful, perfectly balanced planet and not only take over it but ruin it, to the point that certain creatures, even though they fuckin reproduce all the time, don't even exist. So I feel, that by having an appreciation for nature, the very source that has sustained our consuming ways for millions of years, somehow brings me back to what is good and pure, and re-assures me that not all is lost. I know that as long as I have this nurturing earth, that no matter how hard things seem, I can survive, for it gives me all I need to live.
If ya'll don't feel like hugging a tree now, it means either u got sick of reading or you are incapable of feeling.
Sorry for the rage
......................................................................................
(That was supposed to represent a long pause.)
So uh, whats up? Really, what r u doing right now? I'm talking to my bro and waiting for john to return to his computer so i can continue talking to him (both on aim,) listening to some online radio station that is playing a smashing pumpkins song that i've never heard, and demonstrating some really bad posture.
I had kind of shitty weekend. Friday I was supposed to go w/ a couple friends and john to see A Perfect Circle in cleveland at 8pm, but since he had a fucking doctors appointment @ 3;30 and didn't leave columbus till 5, we ended up not leaving for cleveland till 7:30 (my friends had already gone,) and arrived at the concert at 10:15, which ended 45 min. later. I payed fuckin $92.00 for our tickets. (Ticket Master is corporate EVIL.) Then we ended up driving around for an hour trying to find a fucking hotel accepted people over 18 instead of 21, and once we did, the room we stayed in didnt have working lights and used thin pieces of foam as a blanket. (Thank god there was at least a sheet under the foam.) That actually wasnt so bad...I like crappy hotels. They're fun and risky. Anyway, so the next morning after forced sex (i was so not in the mood, and not "that" kind of forced,) we drove home and argued the whole time, then got in a huge argument that night, almost broke-up AGAIN, then he left today. Things just haven't been working since he left for school...I'm not sure if they will again, either. But I have this horrible soft-spot for people who are depressed and/or confused, and think that I can somehow save them. I know its impossible, but i try anyway, even if their happiness equals my misery. I'm gonna die giving myself to someone someday.
But enough being depressing. U know what really helps me when I see no hope in the world or in my life? It sounds so lame, but having a connection with nature. It is the only thing that i can't find fault or corruption in. Sometimes I get sad when I'm near a polluted river or forest, but I know it's not the river or forests' fault. It's just a gentle victim of man, unselfish, forever giving, never resentful or biased. So when I'm down or think that there is nothing in the world worth living for, i take my dog or just go by myself and lie in the grass, walk around barefoot in the mud or river, sit on a rock, lean against or climb a tree, and just listen and watch. There's SO much that goes on that people are often too caught up in themselves to realize. U think we have an advanced society? Have u ever watched or read about ants? They're fucking AMAZING! With they don't even have tools, or hands to hold tools with, and they fucking carve out entire cities in the dirt. No need for fancy construction equipment or 4 year architect degrees for them. Humans make everything so damn complicated. Do u really need a 3 story house w/ 2 bathrooms and 3 bedrooms aith fuckin 2 tvs on each floor? Hell no. Just some dirt and stone and ur fuckin set. We are so inferior to animals. They have all their basic survival needs built in. Sharp teeth and fur for some, wings, fins or antennae for others. We don't have these things. (Antennae would be so cool, haha.) So we use our all powerful intellect so we can match up. But is being artificially equal enough?? Oh no, we have to be better and stronger and throw things so fuckin off-balance that water isn't even drink-able and there are more houses than there are trees. (Ok, maybe not yet, but just wait. It'll happen.) It digusts me how people can take this planet, this beautiful, perfectly balanced planet and not only take over it but ruin it, to the point that certain creatures, even though they fuckin reproduce all the time, don't even exist. So I feel, that by having an appreciation for nature, the very source that has sustained our consuming ways for millions of years, somehow brings me back to what is good and pure, and re-assures me that not all is lost. I know that as long as I have this nurturing earth, that no matter how hard things seem, I can survive, for it gives me all I need to live.
If ya'll don't feel like hugging a tree now, it means either u got sick of reading or you are incapable of feeling.
Sorry for the rage
VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
I think you'd like it. It's about the Tanuki (japanese raccoons) who struggle against a development.
But as you said, all is not lost. And history will judge those who wronged the world in our age.
I really enjoyed reading your journal entry.
May things pick up for you again soon.