emiloo

Hello. How is everyone? Ya'll have a wide variation of music tastes. I'm ok except for this big zit on my left cheek that won't leave me alone. I RARELY get zits, but when I do, they are indestructable.

So anyway, I had a good but weird weekend. I hung out w/ my dude Nate, the one that has a crush on me and vice versa. MY GOD it is so hard not to fall completely in love w/ him. Saturday, we planned on seeing Kill Bill 2 together and him bringing his cat over (cuz we might adopt him when Nate leaves for the summer.) The movie was a little over 2 hours, so u'd think that we'd spend maybe 3, 4 hours togther. We ended up hanging out from 3 in the afternoon till 3in the morning. I have never been w/ anyone for that amount of time and not gotten at least a little annoyed, but honestly, I could have stayed up all night and the next day talking to him. Just talking, cuz that's seriosuly all we do. Whenever we hang out, he stops in the carwash nextdoor to drop me off, and I always, ALWAYS end up staying in his car for at least 2 more hours. We just never run out of things to discuss. And it's never forced. I have had that experience with John maybe 4 times, the most recent I posted about. But even thehn, when John and I have those rare times of absolute connection, I always feel like he doesn't quite get me, because he doesn't express it. Nate makes me feel understood wholly, like my ideas and opinions are not only valid, but that they are true and intelligent and important. Not just there. He's also the only person I feel like I can connect w/ on an artistic level, and that in itself is something I have wanted for so long. But I think the one thing that I truly respect him for moreso than John, is the fact that he cleaned himself up completely on his own. He used to do so many drugs he would have self-induced heart-attacks, or at least his heart would stop. He was able to see the mistakes he was making and slow down, take his life into perspective and change. Yeah he still smokes pot every now and then, but its rare. John, on the other hand, has told me that if we hadn't gotten together he wouldn't have graduated highschool. I used to think I liked having that whole "hero" title in his eyes, but after a time I realized that he just moved from one crutch, (drugs,) to another, (me.) I know that it's hard to get over an addiction and that everyone needs help, because I have had to do the same. But I got help because I wanted to, not because someone told me to. John stopped because of me, because I showed a lot of dislike for it. But I never actually asked him to quit, and he has said numerous times "I'll stop for you, if you want." And I have always responded, "It's not my decision. Unless you do this for yourself, I don't want anything to do with it." I have to ask myself; do I really want to spend my life with someone who is going to be struggling all his life with drugs, whose only reason to even want to stop is because he knows it makes me mad? He has slowed down so much over the past 2 years. But his heart isn't in the right place with it. Ever since he has gone to school and he doesn't have me to worry about, he has been slowly slipping back into a place he knows all too well. Sorry for all the bitching, and sorry if I offended anyone, but this weekend, being with someone who gets me and gets himself, has really made me think about the relationship I am in. But I don't want to just break up w/ him, especially not for someone else. And I still love him, otherwise I wouldn't feel so torn. But I am worried that I'm seeing something that isn't really there. When we first started seeing each other, I had this vision of him that he has never really lived up to. Maybe my expectations are too high, because what if Nate isn't really what I think he is, either? GOD what am I going to do?? I hate these things, and I know you (people in SG land,) hate reading about them. I guess I really needed to get shit off my chest. I don't feel any better though, just more confused. I can't hurt John, I really can't, but I'm worried that by saving his feelings I may just be hurting myself in the end. BLAH I wish I was a dog!! Then I could just sniff their asses and decide. We need a doggy icon in the smiley list.

Oh yeah, I saw George Carlin yesterday. Sick minded fuck, but soooo funny. There were times I thought my ears were going to bleed. But there were more times when I thought my tummy would explode, so I guess that makes up for the absolute disgusting filth that spews from his mouth. When someone opens his act with "U know what people don't talk about anymore? PUSSY FARTS!", you're in for it. Good stuff, I'd like to see him again.

I like driving