emiloo

My dad had back surgery yesterday. He's in a lot of pain and can barely move. It just took us 20 minutes to get him off the couch and upstairs to bed. I've never seen him look so frightened....he kept saying he couldn't do it, his back was going to give out. My dad is over 400 pounds, so if he were to topple over we'd never be able to get him back up. I was so scared. It's one thing to see a family member go thru pain, but to see one who is so dangerously big barely be able to hoist his own weight is fucking awful. I heard him say to my mom later that he was scared that he would die from pain if he had fallen. You don't want to hear your own father say that. Someone who has always been the strong one and who you've always looked to for security and protection. Not only that but John and I got in a fight today. I don't want to go into details. He just let me down once again. Why do I ever believe him when he says he's done? I always know he'll just start again 2 weeks later. All his fucking promises to change...and me being stupid enough to think it's possible. I know we're broken up or whatever, but I can't help but care about him. I wish I didn't fucking love him. I wish I would have known who he really was when we first met, so I could have stepped back and thought about whether it was worth pursuing. Cuz now I just wish I wouldn't have. I don't deserve to hurt this way. I never asked to be built up again and again only to be let down. The dissapointment is unbearable. So why do I bear it? He doesn't deserve my patience and tolerance.

Horrible, horrible day. And no doubt my crying isn't over yet.

Sorry for being