emiloo

So I spent the weekend in Columbus w/ John...not a good time, but not horrible. I couldn't help but feel he wanted to get rid of me so he could go party and get stupidly drunk w/ his friends. I must be the biggest weirdo in the earth because I honestly don't like getting drunk, I hate parties, I don't like getting high, but for some reason the people I seem to connect w/ best are experienced drug users. And it sux because I never had a problem w/ it until I got involved w/ someone who was. I'm like his fuckin mother...I'm always telling him to be careful and not overdue it. And I know he hates it, but seriously...I have thought many times of marrying this man which I know is ridiculous because I'm so young, but I think I've gotten myself into that mindset and I don't want to marry someone who is an alcoholic or drug user. So basically I'm always worrying and on his case, which makes us both miserable. Other than our different choices of lifestyle we have an awesome relationship, but that always gets in the way. I just don't like the way he is as a social person...when it's just us he's all goofy and playful, but around his friends he suddenly cops this Mr. Cool thing and has a whole new way of speaking, complete w/ "trendy" lingo. Ugh, it's so gross. Sometimes I really hate dating someone who is 2 years younger than me, which seems to add up to 4 years as far as maturity goes. Do men ever grow out of this? Or are they forever lost little boys desperately trying to fit in? Or am I just too demanding, or blind to the fact that I can do better but am just too afraid? I'm sorry...everyone must be really sick of me rambling about this shit. I hope I didn't offend anyone w/ my opinions against drinking/drugs...I guess I just find my fun in other ways. Like climbing trees and playing w/ dogs or looking at weird stuff smashed on the sidewalk. Maybe I'm the one who needs to grow up. But I think that a lot of people have a strange look on what being an adult is. I've found that most people my age think that being an adult means to be able to buy alcohol and do whatever they want, when they want. But that just doesn't work...because of the way our society is chaotically thrown together we all have to learn about responsibility and shit like that. It's not about just being able to make our own decisions, it's about making decisions that are good for you and help mankind, I think. So just because I get a car and turn 21 doesn't mean I'm an adult, It's just an age, just a way to measure how long we've been "alive" and try to make sense of this ever moving thing called time. Being "grown up" is a mental stage, a point in life where you know you can be completely self-sufficient and know your limitations and what effect your decisions will have on others. I think it's the fact that people aren't conscious enough of their actions and the impact they have on everything, every little thing that this world has gone to hell. Maybe I need to loosen up, I know...but maybe everyone else has to start thinking a little more. Get the fuckin pressure off my back every now and then. So maybe that's why I lecture John so much, because I fear that since he doesn't seem to take care of himself I need to do it for it. But I can't. I don't know when I started focusing so much on other people and not myself. Maybe I'm just scared of just how much I can do, how far I can go if I do. I need to stop being scared. GOD I talk too much!