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emelaeth

Member Since 2005

Followers 53 Following 51

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Friday Jul 08, 2005

Jul 8, 2005
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feeling better....spent several days with my aunt, uncle, cousin, and parents up at my aunt's lake home outside of Brainerd...so very nice. Relaxing, antiquing, and gin drinking...very very nice....

my sister is also flying in for the week-end...it is her birthday tomorrow and my mom's on sunday so it should be a festive week-end....i miss my sister desperately and am ever so glad to see her.

am going to new york next sunday for about 10 days....can't wait for the art, shopping, and the hustle and bustle of the best city in the world (besides Paris and Jerusalem)

had coffee with the boy for two hours this evening ... drove through minneapolis on my way home from my aunts. Had Sidney with me ... and uptown is so dog friendly that it makes me smile....we all just hung out on the porch of Pandora's Cup and enjoyed the beautiful Friday Minnesota evening. He walked me to my car and gave me two giant all encompassing hug and told me i could stay with him tonight ... but I had to get home because of my sister ... which is ok.

its such a weird and difficult situation...one i am not to happy to be involved in. But...there is nothing that I can do but live my life and hope he fixes himself...and if we are meant to be together than things will work out ...and if they don't ... then at least I know I did everything with no regrets....

regrets are an intersting thing. There is so much that I regret doing and not doing in my life. The older I get the more I realize that the things I didn't do are the one's that bother me the most ... so I have to believe and force myself sometimes to do the things that are the most frightening or the moment will just pass you by and you will constantly be thinking about the what-ifs...and those will drive you mad. So I'm trying to resolve myself into activly doing things so that I don't miss anything.

I'm so terrified of being 70 and looking back on my life at all of the things and saying to myself ... if i had only tried maybe my life would be better. Its a horrifying thought ... and seems to be haunting me more during this time in my life. I'm feeling my age and for some reason feel very old ... when I should be feeling young...I just feel so scared and confused and pissed off about so many things.

I have mixed feelings about going back to Vegas...mostly because I miss my family and Hans and my other friends here....and I want to be in New York because it is fabulous, my sister is there, and my very dear friend Courtney...but I also want to be in Las Vegas because I love my job and my life is there .... and it is terrifying for me to accept the fact that what i have in las vegas is my life ... and that I should commit to it...I am happy there ... and I feel like i am stuck in a time warp when I am here ... and if i were to live in new york--i'm worried that it wouldn't be what I want it to be and that i want it just because i don't have it. I don't understand why commitment is so frightening for me. I want to be happy and stable so badly but fear that i am unconsciously sabatoging it.

I think i am just feeling very fucked up right now....

and that is frustrating in itself

kiss
VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
ra0ul:
Stay positive and seize the day. Do all the things you want to, don't wait. I am in the unfortunate position that i have done everything i have wanted to do in life and am now aimlessly floating around trying to find something to captivate or challenge me. I think you've got the right attitude to do the things you want. It's just a case of putting some force behind applying it.
Jul 10, 2005
glassmachine:
Totally. That old 'It is better to regret the things we have done rather than the things we have not" is a cliche, but it's so true.
Jul 13, 2005

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