I just got home...had class tonight...which only adds to my exhaustion. The prospect of sleep does not appear to be in my future until Sunday...so far away. But it will be at home, in my original house (sadly without my little pugsey though 
)
I'm getting nervous about going home. This always happens. I miss it so greatly from afar, and then when the time approaches where it is real and I can go back...part of me doesn't want to. Mainly because I am afraid of where I fit in. I have to see how things have changed and what has stayed the same...how I've changed and stayed the same. And how I fit into those peoples lives when I am right there in front of them...knowing that it is only temporary..that I'm not part of their immediate life. Its very difficult being out here. I don't have a lot of friends and work consumes a first year teacher so my true friends remain those I've had for years, but don't have face to face contact with unless I am talking to them on the phone. While they carry on their lives in continuous familiarity...I wander through the days with them haunting my life. I miss them. I miss home. I miss my favorite haunts and the places that I grew to love as part of my everyday existence. Its very difficult to go back to that and realize that it isn't mine anymore...it belongs to the people who actually live there.
And I start to doubt myself. Wondering if the decision I made is right. It was 50% wanting to better my life and 50% running away from bad situations and bad memories. Is it that I really miss it there and the people...or is it that I miss what I wanted it to be in my head. That hope that things there would have eventually worked out someway ... if I had stayed.
I start to feel like an outsider...or an intruder...and I fear that I am no longer needed there. Moving away showed me who my real friends were...which was a difficult thing to learn. But those who turned out to be true, our realationships have grown that much stronger.
I'm just scared. The last time I left, I cried the entire plane ride home...trying to come up with a way to go back. Now...I've pretty much resolved that I will be here for another year...and after that, who knows...but going back makes it all that more difficult to return. Even more frightening, is that what if I go back and realize that Minneapolis isn't the home for me...that I've been idealizing what I thought was home the entire time.
I'm a very push-pull person...looking at both angles until it begins to drive me nuts. I'm feeling nuts right now. I think its time for a drink.
Night all.
)
I'm getting nervous about going home. This always happens. I miss it so greatly from afar, and then when the time approaches where it is real and I can go back...part of me doesn't want to. Mainly because I am afraid of where I fit in. I have to see how things have changed and what has stayed the same...how I've changed and stayed the same. And how I fit into those peoples lives when I am right there in front of them...knowing that it is only temporary..that I'm not part of their immediate life. Its very difficult being out here. I don't have a lot of friends and work consumes a first year teacher so my true friends remain those I've had for years, but don't have face to face contact with unless I am talking to them on the phone. While they carry on their lives in continuous familiarity...I wander through the days with them haunting my life. I miss them. I miss home. I miss my favorite haunts and the places that I grew to love as part of my everyday existence. Its very difficult to go back to that and realize that it isn't mine anymore...it belongs to the people who actually live there.
And I start to doubt myself. Wondering if the decision I made is right. It was 50% wanting to better my life and 50% running away from bad situations and bad memories. Is it that I really miss it there and the people...or is it that I miss what I wanted it to be in my head. That hope that things there would have eventually worked out someway ... if I had stayed.
I start to feel like an outsider...or an intruder...and I fear that I am no longer needed there. Moving away showed me who my real friends were...which was a difficult thing to learn. But those who turned out to be true, our realationships have grown that much stronger.
I'm just scared. The last time I left, I cried the entire plane ride home...trying to come up with a way to go back. Now...I've pretty much resolved that I will be here for another year...and after that, who knows...but going back makes it all that more difficult to return. Even more frightening, is that what if I go back and realize that Minneapolis isn't the home for me...that I've been idealizing what I thought was home the entire time.
I'm a very push-pull person...looking at both angles until it begins to drive me nuts. I'm feeling nuts right now. I think its time for a drink.
Night all.
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Then when I would return to school, or Chicago, I would miss it. But after a while, I think I came to realize that I didn't miss Rockford, I missed part of my childhood. I missed blowing money at the comic book shop and driving through the country without a care in the world, and going to the arcade with my friends, and pulling all-nighters playing Dungeons and Dragons or inviting the crazy girls down the block over to my friend Jeff's swimming pool and making out in the basement, and going to Punk shows.
Yikes. That was just a strange peak into my high school years...
Anyway, it's tough. You can't always go back, but you can move forward, whether it's in Minneapolis OR LasVegas. Sorry. I don't mean to sound like a self-help manual here. Just throwing in my two cents. Best of luck, dearest.