emelaeth

So...I've been utterly deflated for the second day in a row. It is just not my week I have a feeling. Which is sad to realize since it is only Tuesday and I have three days to go before the grace of Saturday and Sunday. The art department, particularily me, has been officially censored. One of the paintings that I had hung up a girl did has been deamed "inappropriate." She did this beautiful painting ... absolutely wonderful. It was of a story her grandmother told her when she was little from the Bible of the war between heaven and hell and the angels. She painted this gothic anime futeristic type scene of the angels fighting with a landscape's stones made of diamond rocks and angels that were tender even in their death. Her rendition of the bodies (which were clothed) were wonderful and show her progress phenomonly (sp?), and the wings were fantastic. But the best part was how the "good" angel was tenderly holding the "bad" angel's face and looking into each others eyes with a certain knowing. I was so proud of her and the look of self satisfaction on her face upon finishing a project well done was wonderful. I didn't even see the violence in it because it WASN'T ABOUT THAT! I really didn't even think of it as a violent piece. And she did it for her grandmother...who loved it by the way. But apparently, I exposed one of the worst schools in the district to inappropriate material.

It makes me sad. Sad that the principal didn't even have the courtesy to ask why I had hung it up or find out what the painting was about. And the kicker is that I WAS NEVER GIVEN ANY GUIDELINES as to what to hang up and what not to. So how the FUCK was I supposed to know what was "inappropriate" and what was "not."

And I'm sad that it makes me not like my job. That I haven't felt like this since MCAD and that no matter how well you do, how amazing your work is, if you don't fit into the prescribed mode of what is considered "acceptable" then you can't survive in the world.

It makes it difficult to breathe.

And what about her? This innocent girl who felt safe enough in my class to be honest with herself and her work? I'm supposed to tell her to keep trying - to keep working - when in reality... she will be fighting the rest of her life.

And its hard. Its so very hard.

It takes so much out of you ... to give so much of yourself into something and then have it smashed and destroyed. Not because it isn't good...but because the material is "inappropriate."

Fuck inaapropriate and fuck them.

its easier to say than to actually do .... when you are standing infront of that canvas and you keep asking yourself why?

Why bother?

Why should I put myself out there only to be shit on again and again?
After awile...it makes you not want to paint anymore. And then you become scared to. And what do you do when that fear becomes more than you can bare?

So ... I'm deflated.

at least for today

so...I sit here, listening to Gordon Downie and wishing that I was back in college where all I had to do was not leave the art building. And I could just paint, or stay in the photo-lab until 3:30 in the morning by myself ... and the world still held some magic to it instead of the crushing reality that is this life that i lead.

like I said ... today i'm deflated.

but ...

there is always tomorrow