Crap, I don't know what to do.
We've all been there before. Boy meets girl, things are okay, things get kinda shady, things sorta bounce between the two for awhile, things go to shit. Why do people want to be in relationships so badly when so many of them fail?
I'm starting to lose my faith in the concept of love, in general. So many times I thought I was in love, and each attempt at a lifelong relationship has plummeted. Perhaps it's just "our" generation...seems like so many young people are getting married and immediately divorced these days. What is it about today that causes so much mayhem in the fields of dating? Are we all really that selfish that we can't make the proper sacrifices needed to maintain a relationship? Are we all so obsessed with drama that we naturally seek it out? Are we afraid to let things become boring? Do we not feel 100% secure in the one we've chosen as a mate?
I made a huge mistake recently, as hinted in my previous journal entry. Yes, I toyed with the heart of a very decent guy, quite by accident and regrettably so, but still toyed nonetheless. Somehow I got swept into the tides of an old relationship, until I realized how wrong it was and called it off. For about two weeks I was "cheat free", and then said old flame blew me in. I had planned on telling the new beau about this infidelity in person, but since I'm on vacation until next week, there's a considerable amount of time to wait until I could spill my guts, so to speak.
Steve (said beau) has not talked to me since my confession Sunday night. I want to talk to him, but am afraid I will only aggrivate the situation. I want to tell him how sorry I am, because I am sorry. I feel like shit every day just thinking about it. And I want to tell him it will never happen again, because it won't. I learned my lesson and I refuse to let it happen again. But to tell him so...somehow I doubt he'll want to hear me out at all.
Not that I can blame him. It was a pretty crappy thing to do. I hate it when ex's come waltzing back into your life at the worst times, claiming that they've changed and suddenly pampering you with all sort of tenderness and affection that you never asked for. Then they suddenly hold it against you that they do all these nice things for you and they get nothing in return...and you feel like a piece of shit for leading them on (even though you've told them about 20 times that you have no interest in dating them again) and you get sucked into a sort of pseudo-relationship that you don't even want to acknolwedge exists.
I'm pissed. I didn't even cheat with style. I fucked up a perfectly good relationship by allowing myself to be manipulated by someone else. It wasn't even like a conscious decision...it just sort of came to be all of the sudden. God damn it. I need to stop dating obsessive psychos who won't take no for an answer, EVER. And I need to stop giving these psychos a second chance at being my friend when I know that will never be good enough for them. Blah.
So yeah, my name is Ember Suicide and I'm a complete piece of shit and am at the mercy of a guy who hasn't talked to me in days. I miss him and it sucks that I suck. Damn me.
We've all been there before. Boy meets girl, things are okay, things get kinda shady, things sorta bounce between the two for awhile, things go to shit. Why do people want to be in relationships so badly when so many of them fail?
I'm starting to lose my faith in the concept of love, in general. So many times I thought I was in love, and each attempt at a lifelong relationship has plummeted. Perhaps it's just "our" generation...seems like so many young people are getting married and immediately divorced these days. What is it about today that causes so much mayhem in the fields of dating? Are we all really that selfish that we can't make the proper sacrifices needed to maintain a relationship? Are we all so obsessed with drama that we naturally seek it out? Are we afraid to let things become boring? Do we not feel 100% secure in the one we've chosen as a mate?
I made a huge mistake recently, as hinted in my previous journal entry. Yes, I toyed with the heart of a very decent guy, quite by accident and regrettably so, but still toyed nonetheless. Somehow I got swept into the tides of an old relationship, until I realized how wrong it was and called it off. For about two weeks I was "cheat free", and then said old flame blew me in. I had planned on telling the new beau about this infidelity in person, but since I'm on vacation until next week, there's a considerable amount of time to wait until I could spill my guts, so to speak.
Steve (said beau) has not talked to me since my confession Sunday night. I want to talk to him, but am afraid I will only aggrivate the situation. I want to tell him how sorry I am, because I am sorry. I feel like shit every day just thinking about it. And I want to tell him it will never happen again, because it won't. I learned my lesson and I refuse to let it happen again. But to tell him so...somehow I doubt he'll want to hear me out at all.
Not that I can blame him. It was a pretty crappy thing to do. I hate it when ex's come waltzing back into your life at the worst times, claiming that they've changed and suddenly pampering you with all sort of tenderness and affection that you never asked for. Then they suddenly hold it against you that they do all these nice things for you and they get nothing in return...and you feel like a piece of shit for leading them on (even though you've told them about 20 times that you have no interest in dating them again) and you get sucked into a sort of pseudo-relationship that you don't even want to acknolwedge exists.
I'm pissed. I didn't even cheat with style. I fucked up a perfectly good relationship by allowing myself to be manipulated by someone else. It wasn't even like a conscious decision...it just sort of came to be all of the sudden. God damn it. I need to stop dating obsessive psychos who won't take no for an answer, EVER. And I need to stop giving these psychos a second chance at being my friend when I know that will never be good enough for them. Blah.
So yeah, my name is Ember Suicide and I'm a complete piece of shit and am at the mercy of a guy who hasn't talked to me in days. I miss him and it sucks that I suck. Damn me.
VIEW 14 of 14 COMMENTS
Love ya babe