ember

What do you do when you meet the most amazing person alive and manage to snag them as your own?

If you're me, you feel like you're unworthy of their affection and then you subconsciously go out of your way to sabotage it.

Then when it's gone, you realize what you've just lost...and life becomes unbearable.

I was with the most amazing man I've ever had the privileged of knowing...and I completely fucked it all up for one night of drinking that lead to events that I can barely remember.

I don't even know if I will ever see him again. He came to the apartment while I was at work and took half of his stuff out of our room and will probably try to arrange to get the rest of it for another time when I'm not here.

Why did I let myself get so messed up that I lost all sense of better judgment?

One thing can be certain, I am NEVER drinking again. Ever.

I don't even know what to do with myself now. There has been absolutely no closure on this because he won't talk to me. I don't know what to do. Give him some time and maybe out of some random miracle he can find it in his heart to forgive me? I can only hope.

It's all so strange because what I did, I can't even hardly remember. It's almost like I got drunk and woke up to find my entire life just got rearranged by foreign hands. I feel like someone just reached into my life and grabbed him and took him away from me and won't give him back no matter how hard I beg.

Now my life feels empty. My school work is meaningless. Being in this apartment without him is driving me insane. Walking into a room that was once ours. and is now mine, makes me fall to my knees and cry. What's worse is a lot of his things are still in our room. His posters, some of his clothes, his movies...things that were there when circumstances were still normal and everything was okay. When I came home from work today, I saw one of his posters peeking through the door to our room. For a short instant I forgot that things are completely fucked and was excited to walk through the door and see him sitting there...but then I saw his computer wasn't where it used to be and was reminded of what a fucking mess my life has become, and I only have myself to blame for it.

I wish I knew what to do. His heart has become completely impermeable to my pleas. I want to become a better person for him and make everything right again. And even though I'm not sure that he can ever forgive me and may even never speak to me again, I'm going to try anyway, because I love him that god damn much. I will risk everything for him even though I know in the end, he may reject me.

So this is me, everyone. Ember Suicide the fuckup. The fucking abuser who doesn't understand a good thing when she has it. And now that it's gone, she's in Hell.

I would do absolutely anything just to hold him close to me.