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Some might take this little story as a sign that there is a God. But it will take more than this to convince me. I do feel very fortunate though...

I left for band practice at 10AM. It's in D.C. which is about 50 miles away. At 11AM. Not really a problem because the streets and freeways etcetera are not highly populated at that hour on a Sunday morning. I usually just scoot right down there. I am an aggressive driver. I admit this. But I don't do it to be an asshole. I just like to get where I'm going as fast as possible and if people stayed out of the fast lane it would be a lot easier. But they don't. Which leads to lane changing and speeding and occasionally giving the finger or throwing a bag of trash out the window onto someone's windshield.

So, anyway, I drove all the way down 95 at well...Almost 95mph. Got onto the D.C. Beltway and ran into some traffic. I started to wheel and deal and get in and out of lanes in order to clear the jam up. No big deal. But as I made my final maneuver into the left lane and I was home free I noticed a suspicious grey sedan in the rearview mirror. One with some sort of blue plastic thing in the middle of it's windshield. I casually turned my blinker on and got over in the next lane. The sedan casually came with me and the blue plastic thing started flashing. I was just in traffic court on November 1st I believe? For speeding, aggressive driving, unsafe lane changing. Blah blah blah. So I knew I was in for it.

As I pulled into the shoulder I started to curse profusely. I just got points on my license after three or 4 years of being under the radar, pun intended. And now I was going to get another ticket in a month. I was sitting there fuming. Saying "Mother FUCKER!!!!!" while I looked for my registration and then turned around to see the trooper was already at my door observing my lovely safe driver-type behavior.

He did the usual. Asked me if I knew how fast I was going. Said it was going to cost me $3000. Said I had at least 4 offenses and they were $500 minimum each. This was all news to me because I was just in court and it was only like $75. He said that he was about to pull someone ELSE over for going 78 and then I came flying by him and darting in and out of traffic. (Go me!!!!)

He said he guaranteed they didn't teach me to drive like that in drivers ed (Which I never took, thank you very much) and when I took my driver's test that I didn't drive like that. I was like "Dude, you're holding my license. You can see I'm a grown man. I'm not 16." but what I said was "That was a long time ago." Implying that I've learned how to drive since then. Ha ha! They don't teach you any of the fun stuff in driver's ed I don't believe.

He lectured for a minute or two and I apologized over and over and told him I was trying to get somewhere at 11 and was running late. He asked where. I told him band practice in downtown D.C. and pointed at my guitars in the back seat. Said we paid for the practice space and time so it was important for me get there on time. He actually listened to this. And I guess I must have looked pretty fucking pitiful. I seriously did almost cry when he said that $3000 business. I thought "They can just take my car and license because I will never have $3000 to spend on a ticket." He held the license and said he had no choice. It was state law and he had to give me those tickets. I didn't know what to do. I just kind of slumped forward and resigned myself to the fates.

Then he suddenly got rejuvenated with his lecture and started saying that I was endangering others with my driving and that if I wanted to kill myself it was fine. Go drive into a wall when no one else is around and he'll come scrape me up off the pavement and tell my parents that I'm dead. Yes, he actually said this and, yes, I think he was foaming at the mouth. I said I wasn't trying to endanger anyone, I was just late. I'm sorry. Yada yada yada. And he let me go.

Yes, dear journal, he let me go. Me of the tickets in 4 states. Me of the smart ass remarks to my last trooper. The wonderful trooper Hale. Supreme dickhead. Me of the 2 tickets within 2 days of each other in Kentucky AND Maryland. He let me go! I never felt so lucky. Except when I'm nailing someone I'm really attracted to. Maybe then.

I asked him if I could give him a hug after he gave me my license back and he stuck his arm out briefly like he was thinking about it but then said no. I probably would have offered to suck his dick and suck it long and hard if he'd given me $3000 worth of tickets. But it didn't come to that fortunately.

So Maryland State Trooper Papi. Wherever you are, god or whatever bless you. Thank you so much. I hope you have a very very very Merry Christmas and a great 2005 and beyond. This will be the best Christmas present I get this year probably. May we never cross paths again. Take care.