"I've some extremely distressing news.
I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear anything! Oh God, it's a nightmare, I tell you, it's a nightmare.
We just ran out of wine. What are we gonna do about it?
I don't know, I don't know. Oh God, I don't feel good. Look, my thumbs have gone weird! I'm in the middle of a bloody overdose. Oh God. My heart's beating like a fucked clock! I feel dreadful, I feel really dreadful!
So do I, so does everybody. Look at my tongue; it's wearing a yellow sock. Sit down for Christ's sake, what's the matter with you? Eat some sugar"
- Withnail & I
*DISCLAIMER* - this journal is going to be in no way, shape or form funny. If you're looking for the usual barrage of bullshit either skip back one or wait for me to get bored with this entry and write another.
The serious journal is a very rare occasion for me, and those of you in the know may recall one previous and quite personal entry. Due to the nature of that entry it was kept exclusively for those of you lovelies on my friends list. This entry isn't particularly going to be any less personal, but it's staying as public in the hope that the more people that read it, the more likely they are to kick my ass if I deviate from the following.
The Alcohol thing
I have some major issues with alcohol. Don't get me wrong, I'm not smuggling a bottle of vodka into the local Mother and Toddler group, but the booze thing has always been a bit of a sore point. It's my form of self abuse and always has been. This weekend I've packed my bags, offloaded the child onto family and headed over to N'ham with the sole purpose of spending the weekend hammered. This in itself is wrong. I may as well have gone out with the words "self destruct" written on my forehead.
I went out. I was an idiot. I drank too much. I said some stupid things. I cried. I came back to my mothers house and sat outside on the pavement for ninety minutes wondering whether my daughter would be better off with a foster family.
It's all bullshit. Don't get me wrong, I have my fair share of issues (hell who doesn't?) but as a 'drinker' I don't bother to deal with them, and instead go out and get pissed. Having spent seventeen months sober I am fully aware that there is a far better and more logical way of doing things. Quite simply - I like myself sober, and I hate myself drunk.
My return to drinking coincides with my return to certain aspects of my 'old life'. I thought that I missed it, but to be honest I really don't. In fact stepping back into my old shoes has reminded me quite how shitty my 'old life' was. It's partly the place, and to some extent it can be the people, but it's mainly my drunken demeanour.
What I'm trying to say in a rather longwinded fashion is that I'm never drinking again. There are times when I'll be tempted, and times when I'm sure that I can just have one or two without any adverse effects. I'm wrong about this, and it was "just one or two" that got me back to this point in the first place.
I'm a good person, and a good mother and there are many things that I want for my daughter, that I want for my own life, and that I want to become ..... an alcoholic is not one of them.
Yes, it's another drawing a line under things type of entry, and now that I've admitted all of that to people that I both know very well and barely know at all that can be the end of that as it were.
" I feel like a pig shat in my head"
I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear anything! Oh God, it's a nightmare, I tell you, it's a nightmare.
We just ran out of wine. What are we gonna do about it?
I don't know, I don't know. Oh God, I don't feel good. Look, my thumbs have gone weird! I'm in the middle of a bloody overdose. Oh God. My heart's beating like a fucked clock! I feel dreadful, I feel really dreadful!
So do I, so does everybody. Look at my tongue; it's wearing a yellow sock. Sit down for Christ's sake, what's the matter with you? Eat some sugar"
- Withnail & I
*DISCLAIMER* - this journal is going to be in no way, shape or form funny. If you're looking for the usual barrage of bullshit either skip back one or wait for me to get bored with this entry and write another.
The serious journal is a very rare occasion for me, and those of you in the know may recall one previous and quite personal entry. Due to the nature of that entry it was kept exclusively for those of you lovelies on my friends list. This entry isn't particularly going to be any less personal, but it's staying as public in the hope that the more people that read it, the more likely they are to kick my ass if I deviate from the following.
The Alcohol thing
I have some major issues with alcohol. Don't get me wrong, I'm not smuggling a bottle of vodka into the local Mother and Toddler group, but the booze thing has always been a bit of a sore point. It's my form of self abuse and always has been. This weekend I've packed my bags, offloaded the child onto family and headed over to N'ham with the sole purpose of spending the weekend hammered. This in itself is wrong. I may as well have gone out with the words "self destruct" written on my forehead.
I went out. I was an idiot. I drank too much. I said some stupid things. I cried. I came back to my mothers house and sat outside on the pavement for ninety minutes wondering whether my daughter would be better off with a foster family.
It's all bullshit. Don't get me wrong, I have my fair share of issues (hell who doesn't?) but as a 'drinker' I don't bother to deal with them, and instead go out and get pissed. Having spent seventeen months sober I am fully aware that there is a far better and more logical way of doing things. Quite simply - I like myself sober, and I hate myself drunk.
My return to drinking coincides with my return to certain aspects of my 'old life'. I thought that I missed it, but to be honest I really don't. In fact stepping back into my old shoes has reminded me quite how shitty my 'old life' was. It's partly the place, and to some extent it can be the people, but it's mainly my drunken demeanour.
What I'm trying to say in a rather longwinded fashion is that I'm never drinking again. There are times when I'll be tempted, and times when I'm sure that I can just have one or two without any adverse effects. I'm wrong about this, and it was "just one or two" that got me back to this point in the first place.
I'm a good person, and a good mother and there are many things that I want for my daughter, that I want for my own life, and that I want to become ..... an alcoholic is not one of them.
Yes, it's another drawing a line under things type of entry, and now that I've admitted all of that to people that I both know very well and barely know at all that can be the end of that as it were.
" I feel like a pig shat in my head"
VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
I'm a good person, and a good mother and there are many things that I want for my daughter, that I want for my own life, and that I want to become .....
As long as you know this, these things will be yours.
Your daughter's very lucky to have a loving, caring mum who puts her first, and I'm sure she deserves nothing less..
Respect due for rationalising your behaviour like that, it ain't easy. I was a big drinker myself for a long time, then it was weed (what can i say i have an 'addictive' personality). To be able to step outside yourself & analyse it is a rare quality. It took someone else to point it out for me to change. Big up yourself.