elysia

"Sometimes you're flush and sometimes you're bust ... and when you're up it's never as good as it seems, and when you're down you never think you'll be up again ... but life goes on"

- Blow



The simple truth of the matter is that you can never fully control your emotions. Despite a burning desire to feel a certain way about something, perhaps a situation, you are incapable of making things go your way.

But then, that's really part of the problem. When you care enough about somebody you want them to be happy, whether that's a good outcome for yourself or not. You listen, support, and encourage them on their merry little way to whatever it is that they'll be doing that you'd really rather they didn't. You'll do it because you care, whilst a part of you that you keep hidden from view inwardly screams at you to be more selfish.

Some situations are inevitably going to have a less than happy ending ... for me at least.

I just can't find a way to say what I would like to, without it having a negative outcome. Maybe I should just say what I need to and hope for the best ....

The parenting update is rather cock-tastic at the moment. Little Miss E is learning to walk, enjoying tantrums, and getting her two top teeth. I have the joy of trying to find childcare, and make the big decision about the MMR vaccination.
No childcare means no college, and I'm due to enrol on Thursday. Spiceworld.



Top five things about living in Lincoln;

(1) The people
Have you ever wondered what would happen if incest were fashionable? If you ate nothing but Kentucky Fried Lard for the next five years? If the undead walked the Earth?
Yes, you guessed it ... Lincoln is mostly populated by morbidly obese three eared inbred geriatric piss stinking country folk. Most people seem to fit at least one category, and many fit them all. It's obvious that the money they save on wining and dining potential dates (well what's the point when it's your sister?) is spent on turkey twizzlers. I sincerely hope that living here for 18 months has no adverse effects on Little Miss E.

(2) The shopping
Everywhere seems to close for lunch, and there's hardly anywhere open after 5pm. There's no need to despair though - there's a gun shop every two miles. My nearest also sells ferrets, and the one in town has just started stocking stab vests in a variety of colours ... the perfect accessory to any shell suit.

(3) Living in the countryside
I'd forgotten how sparse everything is in comparison to Nottingham. It's cocking miles to anything, and if you don't drive you're screwed.
"Hey, am I wearing lipstick? I said, am I wearing lipstick? When I'm getting fucked I want to make sure my face looks pretty"
I'm averaging about three miles a day at the moment, which is a big thing for someone that doesn't like to have to walk anywhere. It also explains why there are so many fucking bikes everywhere. It's like being in Amsterdam, only without any of the things that make Amsterdam a fun place to go.
I've also discovered the joy of off road pushchair-ing with the daddy of all pushchairs. The problem with following an A-Z is that whilst sometimes you get lucky and find a nice path, sometimes you end up being sent through a field and up a hill or two. I'm sure most people would at that point choose to turn back. But it's me. For some reason, navigating a pushchair through a corn field rather amuses me, and I've only had the misfortune of one flat so far.

(4) Knowing nobody
BONUS. The hope was that knowing no-one would mean I could have a few weeks just blending into the background, sussing out the city and generally being invisble. Not bumping into anyone I know that will ask the same awkward questions that everyone always asks, and having to repeat the same old shit over and over again. The only problem is that as I'm not some sort of double denim family fucking low IQ farming gimp I stick out of the crowd and get some really odd looks. I think it's the hair. Either that or I keep going out with my dress tucked into the back of my pants. Who knows?

(5) Calming the child
The move has worked wonders on Little Miss E, and she's started going to bed early, and on her own mattress. I'm working up to getting her into an actual bed. This gives me a good few hours to myself on a daily basis so I've been catching up on the important things in life. Child free time rocks.



"So in the end, was it worth it? Jesus Christ. How irreparably changed my life has become. It's always the last day of summer and I've been left out in the cold with no door to get back in. I'll grant you I've had more than my share of poignant moments. Life passes most people by while they're making grand plans for it. Throughout my lifetime, I've left pieces of my heart here and there. And now, there's almost not enough to stay alive. But I force a smile, knowing that my ambition far exceeded my talent. There are no more white horses or pretty ladies at my door"