♥ She's eight and a half months old. When the cock did that happen?
♥ No crawling and no teeth, both points for celebration.
♥ We now have clapping, waving, signing for milk and standing.
♥ She's starting to take little steps, and I doubt it'll be long before she's cruising around the furniture like a pro.
♥ She's a cheeky little bitch, with a wicked sense of humour. What's not to love?

In my head it's quite simple really.
I want to go to college, study Biology and Chemistry, get a good grade and go to Uni.
For some unknown reason though it's just not that fucking easy. In the majority of colleges across the UK an Access to Science course includes no fucking Chemistry. Add to that the need for childcare funding, and I'm left with only a couple to choose from, none of which are in Nottingham.

Current front runners are; Lincoln, Wakefield, Widnes, Chichester, Margate

They couldn't be more fucking random if you'd pulled them out of your arse could they?
They're also being rather unhelpful with pig ignorant hobo buggering piss poor policies regarding interviews and the such like. It's just not practical to leave me with a fortnight to find somewhere to live, move there, get childcare and start college is it? NO it's not cunt chops.

If I were not so sleep deprived it may have occured to me that this was a bad idea. Platinum blonde + Chocolate Brown = blacker than blackest black black

Not good.

To make things worse it occurs to me;

Blacker than blackest black black hair + poppy red Red or Dead specs = this ...



























Thank fuck for bleach. It's now a few shades of boringest brown*




*Trademark Elysia haircolour.

With just over three months to go before the all important first birthday party it occurs to me that I need to get over my hatred of children. What is my problem with children?

They smell funny.
They're often covered in snot.
They're rude and obnoxious, but not in a good way.
They don't swear and if they do it's not in the least bit inventive.
They never have decent cigarettes.
They're short.
You're not allowed to hit them.
They ask stupid questions.

They're just fucking annoying, and I can't think of anything worse than being stuck in any kind of confined space with a group of them for even the shortest amount of time. It would only be somewhat bearable if I were able to get hold of one of those big foam jobbies that look like cotton buds (think Gladiators) and knock a few of them about a bit, maybe spike the jelly a bit.

Do you think if I just hire a big bouncy castle and buy lots of big presents Little miss E won't notice the lack of small childlike friends? Maybe hire a midget or two?

The random criticism from jumped up know it all, didn't do well enough in med school so had to settle for being a general practitioner instead of a doctor that actually knows anything about anything other than athletes fucking foot and herpes bullshitting fuck monkeys is unecessary.

The full rant with details would be a bit lost on here, but needless to say that the BBC, the Observer and all the other wonderful media have been a bunch of cunts about this.

Twats.

Are you supposed to be worn by a surgeon?
Are you a comedy plastic clog?
Are you a jelly shoe wannabe?
Why do you look so fucking ridiculous?
Why are you so cocking comfortable?

Fuck off I want some decent fucking telly back on.

8pm - 6am every night this week outside my front door. Don't smile at me you high vis wankers. If you really want to make a nice gesture try turning your drills down a notch so that I can get some fucking sleep.

What are your top 5 films from the last year?

I'm so fucking behind and time is of the essence. I simply do not have the time to waste on films that are a bag of shite. You know, the type of films where you finish them then sit and think to yourself "WOW. I am never going to get that time back". Example - dogville.

(a) Don't buy toys - babies prefer remote controls, cardboard boxes, mobile phones and plastic bottles.
(b) Get them working early - Lilah can already push her own pushchair
(c) Stock up on Calpol + Gin - your new best friends at 4am
(d) Hide and Seek is for winners - it's the only way you'll get to take a shit in peace over the next six years
(e) Marilyn Manson - guaranteed to scare any small child into submission