"Your cervis is high and unfavourable, this baby will be a while yet"
I told you my midwife was shit ...
3:30pm - waters break with biblical proportions
3:35pm - run round house shouting "oh shit oh fuck I'm having a baby"
4:45pm - family in mad panic to get here, dog looking bemused, Elysia sat on towels hoping to not spill amniotic fluid on new sofa, cursing herself for not having attempted to use the TENS machine earlier
4:54pm - door to door salesman scared off by me announcing that now is not the best time as I'm in labour
6:40pm - Off to Antenatal Triage for routine checks, contractions like really bad period pains, have just realised that may miss Extras and Mitchell and Webb ... arse! Priorities godamm!
9:15pm - Back home to wait for the pain to go from bad to excruciating. Stopped off on way via Sainsburys for supplies as have a craving for munchies. Attempting to be a double hard bastard and last as long as possible without any form of pain relief. May wuss out and have a bath soon.
Midnight - Contractions are every 4 minutes and hurt like a bitch. Am off to hospital to use their birthing pool with any luck. Hopefully I'm well dilated and a birthing champion which will call for celebratory gas and air. If not, and I'm hardly dilated at all I'm giving in and taking all the drugs known to mankind.
Day Two
1:00am - Examined by miserable bitch midwife who advises that I'm only 1cm dilated and my cervix has only thinned by 50%. Contractions are strong enough but baby is in the wrong position for them to be working. Go home to try and rest and get baby to move.
5:00am - Have completely lost the plot. Haven't slept in over 40 hours and am pretty convinced that am going to die. Totally unable to focus on the miracle of having a baby, couldn't care less what is causing the pain but would just like it stopped NOW. Am totally unreasonable upon getting to the hospital and DEMAND an epidural. Am given gas and air and told to calm down. Midwife is now concerned that baby may be breech. Emergency scan to determine which way around baby is facing. Turns out she is the right way round, she just has a particularly round bottom. Now have fully thinned cervix but am still only 2cms dilated.
7.00am - Miserable midwife is swapped for chirpy happy student midwife. I hate this woman. I am more pissed off and fed up than I have ever been in my life and she keeps smiling at me and saying things like "Oooh I bet you hope that this baby comes today" and "Oh that was only a little contraction wasn't it?" If I had more energy I would have happily lamped the happy cow.
9:00am - Senior midwife comes in and casually suggests that I may like to have my birth filmed by Endemol and broadcast on Channel Five over the weekend. Decide that as have unphotogenic face, the idea of getting my fully dilated lady beard (you should try doing your bikini line at 9mths pregnant) out on national TV is probably not great. Midwife finally gets that I'm not coping as I'm so fucking tired, and contractions start to drop off. They offer to take me down to a ward to rest, and we settle on swapping pain killers for the gas and air that I'm clinging to like a mentalist, on the understanding that I can go home. Lady in next room has been howling like she's possessed but now has a baby. Once again, I seem to be leaving hospital without mine.
2:30pm - Have snatched moments of sleep between contractions and eaten, and feel better than I can ever fully explain to you. Mental aggressive lady from last night that would have killed for drugs has vanished and been replaced by calm person who can deal with childbirth. Have until the morning to get this baby out of her own accord or need to go in for induction. Refuse to step foot back on Labour suite until shiny happy midwife has finished her shift. Smarmy bitch.
7:30pm - Still here, am afraid that insides may explode. Not a happy Elysia, but still too early for hospital and drugs. No fair!
I told you my midwife was shit ...
3:30pm - waters break with biblical proportions
3:35pm - run round house shouting "oh shit oh fuck I'm having a baby"
4:45pm - family in mad panic to get here, dog looking bemused, Elysia sat on towels hoping to not spill amniotic fluid on new sofa, cursing herself for not having attempted to use the TENS machine earlier
4:54pm - door to door salesman scared off by me announcing that now is not the best time as I'm in labour
6:40pm - Off to Antenatal Triage for routine checks, contractions like really bad period pains, have just realised that may miss Extras and Mitchell and Webb ... arse! Priorities godamm!
9:15pm - Back home to wait for the pain to go from bad to excruciating. Stopped off on way via Sainsburys for supplies as have a craving for munchies. Attempting to be a double hard bastard and last as long as possible without any form of pain relief. May wuss out and have a bath soon.
Midnight - Contractions are every 4 minutes and hurt like a bitch. Am off to hospital to use their birthing pool with any luck. Hopefully I'm well dilated and a birthing champion which will call for celebratory gas and air. If not, and I'm hardly dilated at all I'm giving in and taking all the drugs known to mankind.
Day Two
1:00am - Examined by miserable bitch midwife who advises that I'm only 1cm dilated and my cervix has only thinned by 50%. Contractions are strong enough but baby is in the wrong position for them to be working. Go home to try and rest and get baby to move.
5:00am - Have completely lost the plot. Haven't slept in over 40 hours and am pretty convinced that am going to die. Totally unable to focus on the miracle of having a baby, couldn't care less what is causing the pain but would just like it stopped NOW. Am totally unreasonable upon getting to the hospital and DEMAND an epidural. Am given gas and air and told to calm down. Midwife is now concerned that baby may be breech. Emergency scan to determine which way around baby is facing. Turns out she is the right way round, she just has a particularly round bottom. Now have fully thinned cervix but am still only 2cms dilated.
7.00am - Miserable midwife is swapped for chirpy happy student midwife. I hate this woman. I am more pissed off and fed up than I have ever been in my life and she keeps smiling at me and saying things like "Oooh I bet you hope that this baby comes today" and "Oh that was only a little contraction wasn't it?" If I had more energy I would have happily lamped the happy cow.
9:00am - Senior midwife comes in and casually suggests that I may like to have my birth filmed by Endemol and broadcast on Channel Five over the weekend. Decide that as have unphotogenic face, the idea of getting my fully dilated lady beard (you should try doing your bikini line at 9mths pregnant) out on national TV is probably not great. Midwife finally gets that I'm not coping as I'm so fucking tired, and contractions start to drop off. They offer to take me down to a ward to rest, and we settle on swapping pain killers for the gas and air that I'm clinging to like a mentalist, on the understanding that I can go home. Lady in next room has been howling like she's possessed but now has a baby. Once again, I seem to be leaving hospital without mine.
2:30pm - Have snatched moments of sleep between contractions and eaten, and feel better than I can ever fully explain to you. Mental aggressive lady from last night that would have killed for drugs has vanished and been replaced by calm person who can deal with childbirth. Have until the morning to get this baby out of her own accord or need to go in for induction. Refuse to step foot back on Labour suite until shiny happy midwife has finished her shift. Smarmy bitch.
7:30pm - Still here, am afraid that insides may explode. Not a happy Elysia, but still too early for hospital and drugs. No fair!
VIEW 23 of 23 COMMENTS
I loved 4:54pm
hows motherhood?
xx