"I see the problem here. There's a baby in your body"
6 days to go and that is the most perfect quote. Thank you Tom Green ....
That's it. I've had enough. Being kept awake with false contractions and severe nausea sucks demented donkey cock. The current weight estimate is at 8 1/2 lbs by my due date and people are already taking bets as to when she'll arrive and how much she'll weigh. I've already promised to match all bets and give her the money if she hurrys the fuck up. She's either not listening or stubborn. Or both. I'm not blooming I'm fucking fed up.
If she's still in there by next Wednesday I get the joy of some woman I've never met before having a play with my cervix. It's not even as if she'll have bought me a drinnk first. It's not right ...
Top five things that I can do with my placenta;
(1) Plant it
I could go out after the birth and do my best Charlie Dimmock impression, dig a big fuck off hole in the garden and plant it along with a tree or bush in honour of my baby. As the placenta breaks down in the soil, the tree or shrub will reap the benefits of all the nutrients packed in that placenta. The only problem could come if the dog gets a whiff of it and starts doing some digging. You wouldn't want to come home to a dog chewed placenta in the living room now would you?
(2) Make Placenta Prints
Very similar to popular childhood past-time of potato printing only using the placenta in place of potato. Oh and blood instead of ink of course....
"This may appeal to some of you who enjoy doing artistic endeavors. Before the birth, pick up a few sheets of nice quality art paper. This can be watercolor paper, or some of the really unique specialty papers found in an art supply store. After the birth, take the fresh placenta and lay it out on the paper. You can make the prints with the blood that covers it, or wipe it off and put ink or paint on it first. To get the best prints, make sure there isn't too much or too little fluid for the print. Many parents have found this to be a fun activity as well as giving them a very unique, artistic keepsake of their pregnancy."
(3) Membrane Art
Another fantastic artistic suggestion. Not entirely sure about the smell from this one. Maybe a good dousing in Oust would do the trick ...
"As a student midwife I saw a beautiful "picture" up at a woman's house. It looked like an image of an angel. It was in fact the caul. Their last baby had been born with the membranes intact and the mother asked a friend to put the membranes onto a sheet of paper"
(4) Placenta recipes ... placenta for dinner
This was the most amusing website I coud find that explores the delights of cooking placenta. With the current weather forecasts looking pretty shitty however the BBQ may be out of the question. Other recipes to consider include;
Roast Placenta
6 days to go and that is the most perfect quote. Thank you Tom Green ....
That's it. I've had enough. Being kept awake with false contractions and severe nausea sucks demented donkey cock. The current weight estimate is at 8 1/2 lbs by my due date and people are already taking bets as to when she'll arrive and how much she'll weigh. I've already promised to match all bets and give her the money if she hurrys the fuck up. She's either not listening or stubborn. Or both. I'm not blooming I'm fucking fed up.
If she's still in there by next Wednesday I get the joy of some woman I've never met before having a play with my cervix. It's not even as if she'll have bought me a drinnk first. It's not right ...
Top five things that I can do with my placenta;
(1) Plant it
I could go out after the birth and do my best Charlie Dimmock impression, dig a big fuck off hole in the garden and plant it along with a tree or bush in honour of my baby. As the placenta breaks down in the soil, the tree or shrub will reap the benefits of all the nutrients packed in that placenta. The only problem could come if the dog gets a whiff of it and starts doing some digging. You wouldn't want to come home to a dog chewed placenta in the living room now would you?
(2) Make Placenta Prints
Very similar to popular childhood past-time of potato printing only using the placenta in place of potato. Oh and blood instead of ink of course....
"This may appeal to some of you who enjoy doing artistic endeavors. Before the birth, pick up a few sheets of nice quality art paper. This can be watercolor paper, or some of the really unique specialty papers found in an art supply store. After the birth, take the fresh placenta and lay it out on the paper. You can make the prints with the blood that covers it, or wipe it off and put ink or paint on it first. To get the best prints, make sure there isn't too much or too little fluid for the print. Many parents have found this to be a fun activity as well as giving them a very unique, artistic keepsake of their pregnancy."
(3) Membrane Art
Another fantastic artistic suggestion. Not entirely sure about the smell from this one. Maybe a good dousing in Oust would do the trick ...
"As a student midwife I saw a beautiful "picture" up at a woman's house. It looked like an image of an angel. It was in fact the caul. Their last baby had been born with the membranes intact and the mother asked a friend to put the membranes onto a sheet of paper"
(4) Placenta recipes ... placenta for dinner
This was the most amusing website I coud find that explores the delights of cooking placenta. With the current weather forecasts looking pretty shitty however the BBQ may be out of the question. Other recipes to consider include;
Roast Placenta
Placenta Cocktail
Placenta Lasagne
Dehydrated Placenta
"You don't know placentas, I do. I've studied placentas. I know dozens of ways to prepare them. I know what wines go with them. What do you know?" - Tom Cruise
(5) Sell it to a Vegetarian
Ah yes, placenta is of course the only meat where nothing has died to produce it. Therefore it is a delicacy for Vegetarians. Described as tasting "of veal, but with a springier texture like heart" what person could resist a delicious Veggie friendly placenta dinner? Get the bidding started on eBay people ...
"You can't hurt me, not with my cheese helmet
VIEW 22 of 22 COMMENTS
innerds - good word
Better in than out... no....
Too many... no, no no no,
There's no fucking saying for having a baby, but I wish you the best, but remember to get inventive with the swearing. I'd suggest swearing in continental languages or approximations of, it's tres chic...