"Aagh! It hurts! It burns! You've liquified me, you slags!"
So far today I've had the midwife taking a sample of every bodily fluid she could legally extract and had a ride on the tram. Exciting times.
I spent the weekend with my father and my broody stepmum in the delightful Norfolk. They're neighbours with Trisha, Stephen Fry and Sue Lawley apparentely. I live next to a prostitute skag head if that counts?
Top five questions of the week
(1) Is it ever safe to use the disabled toilets on trains?
Those of you who have had the pleasure of travelling with Central Trains will know exactly what I mean. The toilet is, of course, designed for the disabled passenger and so involves a large electronic sliding door. All fine and dandy. Once you get in however it becomes somewhat risky. Operated by buttons it asks you to push once to close the door, twice to lock it and then a third time to unlock it. There is however no indication whatsoever that you have successfully locked the door. No sign, light, NOTHING. You can sit there on the toilet knowing full well that you only pushed the button twice, but can still be terrified that at any moment the door will start slowly sliding open, revealing to the passengers outside the image of you, probably mid wipe, attempting to protect those last shreds of dignity. Honestly, what the fuck is up with that? You go in for a piss and step out a nervous wreck needing counselling for inadequacy issues.
(2) Is 24 : The Game any good?
Someone must have it by now. But is it any good? I would love to be Jack Bauer and whilst this seems like the best way of living out that fantasy I don't want to buy it and be disappointed. It would possibly ruin my life. Having read that you can run around shouting at people and throwing chairs around in that moody Jack Bauer way makes me want to buy it nonetheless but if anyone has it please let me know if it's any good or not.
(3) Why don't they make special pregnancy guitars?
As I was sat on the train this weekend I was struck with a rather upsetting thought. In a few months time I will actually be too fat to play my guitar anymore. I generally wear my guitar really low anyway and so will be incapable of reaching it. The electric will obviously be going into storage for a while anyway as I'm sure loud guitar + small baby = trouble. I nearly cried ... until I realised that it's now giving me the perfect opportunity to live out another musical ambition and buy a drum kit. I've been waiting to either have enough spare cash or a decent excuse for years which was greatly amplified last summer having seen the most awesome pant wetting display of drumming on a rotating platform upside down from Slipknots set. I think it's time ...
(4) Why is my TV aerial so fucking shite?
Having received a freeview box as a present for my birthday I have finally got round to setting it up. There is however a small problem. I've had to make a choice. I can either receive all the ITV and Channel 4 channels or get the BBC channels and Channel 5. Why? It all depends on which way the aerial is pointing. I've chosen the ITVs and Channel 4s at the moment. The problem is however that there are certain parts of the room where you can't stand or you affect the signal, and I can't turn my hallway light on without fucking it up completely. Cock arse piss flap crocodile toe sucking ass chicken.
(5) What do I do about my tickets to the Mighty Boosh?
OK so it's next week waaaheeeeey, but unfortunately I made the mistake of giving a ticket to "the impregnator" (formerly known as the ex fiancee) for his birthday. Luckily I still have it in my possession. As I currently cannot stand to even take his calls what do I do with the other ticket? Do I still go with him, or do I give it to someone more fun and less of a tit wanking selfish gang banger? Answers on the back of a postcard please, I have til the middle of next week to decide.
In other news I have a second interview tomorrow for a job that I'd like to do about as much as I'd like to epilate my inner ass. Wish me luck!
"I am gazpacho, oh. I am a summer soup, mmm."
So far today I've had the midwife taking a sample of every bodily fluid she could legally extract and had a ride on the tram. Exciting times.
I spent the weekend with my father and my broody stepmum in the delightful Norfolk. They're neighbours with Trisha, Stephen Fry and Sue Lawley apparentely. I live next to a prostitute skag head if that counts?
Top five questions of the week
(1) Is it ever safe to use the disabled toilets on trains?
Those of you who have had the pleasure of travelling with Central Trains will know exactly what I mean. The toilet is, of course, designed for the disabled passenger and so involves a large electronic sliding door. All fine and dandy. Once you get in however it becomes somewhat risky. Operated by buttons it asks you to push once to close the door, twice to lock it and then a third time to unlock it. There is however no indication whatsoever that you have successfully locked the door. No sign, light, NOTHING. You can sit there on the toilet knowing full well that you only pushed the button twice, but can still be terrified that at any moment the door will start slowly sliding open, revealing to the passengers outside the image of you, probably mid wipe, attempting to protect those last shreds of dignity. Honestly, what the fuck is up with that? You go in for a piss and step out a nervous wreck needing counselling for inadequacy issues.
(2) Is 24 : The Game any good?
Someone must have it by now. But is it any good? I would love to be Jack Bauer and whilst this seems like the best way of living out that fantasy I don't want to buy it and be disappointed. It would possibly ruin my life. Having read that you can run around shouting at people and throwing chairs around in that moody Jack Bauer way makes me want to buy it nonetheless but if anyone has it please let me know if it's any good or not.
(3) Why don't they make special pregnancy guitars?
As I was sat on the train this weekend I was struck with a rather upsetting thought. In a few months time I will actually be too fat to play my guitar anymore. I generally wear my guitar really low anyway and so will be incapable of reaching it. The electric will obviously be going into storage for a while anyway as I'm sure loud guitar + small baby = trouble. I nearly cried ... until I realised that it's now giving me the perfect opportunity to live out another musical ambition and buy a drum kit. I've been waiting to either have enough spare cash or a decent excuse for years which was greatly amplified last summer having seen the most awesome pant wetting display of drumming on a rotating platform upside down from Slipknots set. I think it's time ...
(4) Why is my TV aerial so fucking shite?
Having received a freeview box as a present for my birthday I have finally got round to setting it up. There is however a small problem. I've had to make a choice. I can either receive all the ITV and Channel 4 channels or get the BBC channels and Channel 5. Why? It all depends on which way the aerial is pointing. I've chosen the ITVs and Channel 4s at the moment. The problem is however that there are certain parts of the room where you can't stand or you affect the signal, and I can't turn my hallway light on without fucking it up completely. Cock arse piss flap crocodile toe sucking ass chicken.
(5) What do I do about my tickets to the Mighty Boosh?
OK so it's next week waaaheeeeey, but unfortunately I made the mistake of giving a ticket to "the impregnator" (formerly known as the ex fiancee) for his birthday. Luckily I still have it in my possession. As I currently cannot stand to even take his calls what do I do with the other ticket? Do I still go with him, or do I give it to someone more fun and less of a tit wanking selfish gang banger? Answers on the back of a postcard please, I have til the middle of next week to decide.
In other news I have a second interview tomorrow for a job that I'd like to do about as much as I'd like to epilate my inner ass. Wish me luck!
"I am gazpacho, oh. I am a summer soup, mmm."
VIEW 25 of 25 COMMENTS
In other news from me my friend Clair has also just found out she is pregnant - where has this sudden baby boom come from? I do not know, but everything happens in threes so who will be next...?
It's not fair. but they're nice to look at.
I'm trying to think of somebody who isn't all perfect who i still think is gorgeous, and i shall amend my entry.