"Seems? Well this seems to be a waste of my time.
That's nine hundred nicker in any shop that you're lucky enough to find one in, and you're complaining about two hundred?
What school of finance did you study?
It's a deal, it's a steal, it's sale of the fucking century .... in fact fuck it Nick I think I'll keep it"
Top five events of the day
(1) Wankers beeping car horns
Yes I am female. Yes I have breasts of which the shape is visible. Yes they may be moving as I am walking. Yes I am wearing a short skirt. Why does this make you feel the need to beep your car horn? You wouldn't run up to me in the street and shout "BEEP BEEP" in my face would you?
Plus, if I had shit legs and crappy tits I wouldn't be showing them off. Newsflash: Your car looks like it was the losing entry in Scrapheap Challenge. Why do you feel the need to beep the horn and draw attention to the absolute pile of shit that you appear to be attempting to drive, probably on your way to see your parole officer. Get a decent car you fucking ass munching tit stealer.
"I don't fucking believe this ... would everyone stop getting shot?"
(2) Trying to buy a new calendar
I'm far too picky and the days are slipping away. The best friend decided to help by asking what kind of calendar I was looking for. "One with dates on it" was the best sarcastic reply I could think of at the time. He is now going to go away and get a piece of paper and glue actual dates to it to give it to me as a present. Awwww bless.
"Er, bad breath, colourful language and a feather duster! . . . What do you think they will be armed with? Guns, you tit!"
(3) Trip to the doctors
Being told to stop smoking? Check. Being asked if I'm suffering withdrawal symptoms from giving up the booze? Check. Being told that I am not allowed to drink with tablets? Check. Being given new prescriptions that will bankrupt me? Check. Being asked by the chemist if I am sexually active, having to reply no and be unfairly reminded of this point? Check. I also get to go back next week for blood tests. Excellent.
"Harry lost his temper and reached for the nearest thing at hand, which happened to be a fifteen-inch black rubber cock. He then proceeded to batter poor Smithy to death
with this."
(4) 947.28 shopping in HMV
How the shop assistant physically managed this one is beyond me? Four DVDs. Scan them all individually. Doesn't even touch the till. Hits sub total. 947.28? Erm ... hows about no. Or hows about you spend ages telling your shop assistant friend all about it and stare at the till blankly. Go on, i've got all fucking day as do the 217 people stood behind me.
"Shotguns? What like guns that fire shots?
(5) Spandau Ballet - Gold
Back when I was in college I used to go out to Rock City every monday night (1 entry, 1 drinks) for their 80s cheese night with best mates Waggy and Tom. There were certain songs that must be played on that evening. It was always pretty dead so we HAD the dancefloor.
The songs necessary -->
Beastie Boys - Intergalactic
Vanilla Ice - Ice Ice Baby
MC Hammer - Can't touch this
House Of Pain - Jump Around
Spandau Ballet - Gold
My songs are Beastie Boys - Intergalactic and Spandau Ballet - Gold. Gold is probably the song that I request most at cheese nights/discos. For this reason I bought Singstar Party today. Just for that song. I'm in love with it. It's all about shouting the word *indestructible* in peoples faces. The only other good song for "I'm going to shout one word into your face now your platypus slut hoe" is SOAD - Toxicity and the word *disorder*
It's the ex-fiancees birthday on Saturday ... do I go to his party or not? Hmmm, really not sure.
"You're not funny Tom; you're fat and look as though you should be funny, but you're not"
That's nine hundred nicker in any shop that you're lucky enough to find one in, and you're complaining about two hundred?
What school of finance did you study?
It's a deal, it's a steal, it's sale of the fucking century .... in fact fuck it Nick I think I'll keep it"
Top five events of the day
(1) Wankers beeping car horns
Yes I am female. Yes I have breasts of which the shape is visible. Yes they may be moving as I am walking. Yes I am wearing a short skirt. Why does this make you feel the need to beep your car horn? You wouldn't run up to me in the street and shout "BEEP BEEP" in my face would you?
Plus, if I had shit legs and crappy tits I wouldn't be showing them off. Newsflash: Your car looks like it was the losing entry in Scrapheap Challenge. Why do you feel the need to beep the horn and draw attention to the absolute pile of shit that you appear to be attempting to drive, probably on your way to see your parole officer. Get a decent car you fucking ass munching tit stealer.
"I don't fucking believe this ... would everyone stop getting shot?"
(2) Trying to buy a new calendar
I'm far too picky and the days are slipping away. The best friend decided to help by asking what kind of calendar I was looking for. "One with dates on it" was the best sarcastic reply I could think of at the time. He is now going to go away and get a piece of paper and glue actual dates to it to give it to me as a present. Awwww bless.
"Er, bad breath, colourful language and a feather duster! . . . What do you think they will be armed with? Guns, you tit!"
(3) Trip to the doctors
Being told to stop smoking? Check. Being asked if I'm suffering withdrawal symptoms from giving up the booze? Check. Being told that I am not allowed to drink with tablets? Check. Being given new prescriptions that will bankrupt me? Check. Being asked by the chemist if I am sexually active, having to reply no and be unfairly reminded of this point? Check. I also get to go back next week for blood tests. Excellent.
"Harry lost his temper and reached for the nearest thing at hand, which happened to be a fifteen-inch black rubber cock. He then proceeded to batter poor Smithy to death
with this."
(4) 947.28 shopping in HMV
How the shop assistant physically managed this one is beyond me? Four DVDs. Scan them all individually. Doesn't even touch the till. Hits sub total. 947.28? Erm ... hows about no. Or hows about you spend ages telling your shop assistant friend all about it and stare at the till blankly. Go on, i've got all fucking day as do the 217 people stood behind me.
"Shotguns? What like guns that fire shots?
(5) Spandau Ballet - Gold
Back when I was in college I used to go out to Rock City every monday night (1 entry, 1 drinks) for their 80s cheese night with best mates Waggy and Tom. There were certain songs that must be played on that evening. It was always pretty dead so we HAD the dancefloor.
The songs necessary -->
Beastie Boys - Intergalactic
Vanilla Ice - Ice Ice Baby
MC Hammer - Can't touch this
House Of Pain - Jump Around
Spandau Ballet - Gold
My songs are Beastie Boys - Intergalactic and Spandau Ballet - Gold. Gold is probably the song that I request most at cheese nights/discos. For this reason I bought Singstar Party today. Just for that song. I'm in love with it. It's all about shouting the word *indestructible* in peoples faces. The only other good song for "I'm going to shout one word into your face now your platypus slut hoe" is SOAD - Toxicity and the word *disorder*
It's the ex-fiancees birthday on Saturday ... do I go to his party or not? Hmmm, really not sure.
"You're not funny Tom; you're fat and look as though you should be funny, but you're not"
VIEW 25 of 36 COMMENTS
Asda attempted to charge an ex flatmate 96 for a loaf of bread. Apparently they print a label for the batch of loafs i.e. 100 X 0.96p... makes you wonder...
I spent 35 on 7 DVDs. Comparitive bargain.
I once dressed in an intergalactic costume. It split. Thsoe white polytech suits aren't to strong to dance in. The flourescent yellow tape held it all together though.
Pixies 'Where is My Mind' and Violent Femmes "Blister in the Sun" were the songs we always used to request in the Dungeon back in Southampton.
Great Alan P quote. I'm thinking of the Cow carcass being dropped from the bridge now.
SLAP IT