I've been reflecting a lot lately on where I'm at, where I've been, and where I'm going. I've been through a lot in terms of love in my life, not a lot of it positive in nature. This is not exclusive to romantic love, but rather with my ability to love myself and consistently recognize my own value.
This difficulty was compounded by the fact that I have a tendency to take on the emotions of those around me, and I have lived with the fear of negatively impacting the world around me for as long as I can remember. Growing up, my experiences only reinforced this idea. I was always louder than most of my peers, and often found myself being told that I was the problem in many situations. In high school, I trusted the wrong people and had a few bad experiences. Overall, I wouldn't say I had a horrible childhood, but the events that shaped me and stuck with me the most, as those experiences are wont to do.
As of late, instead of trying to avoid the inevitable feelings of worry and doubt, I have tried to just accept those moments as they come and not add any more guilt over what is honestly just part of being alive. We all experience moments of doubt as we grow and adapt. It's just how it goes.
Tonight, I have been thinking about how I feel about my own body. Last year, at the ripe old age of 30, I had to have a partial hysterectomy. Prior to this surgery, I was so unhappy with the way my body felt and looked. I was in pain most days, and when I looked at myself I saw only hurt, and discomfort, and my body's lack of ability to do what it "should" and bear children. Since July of last year, I have learned to know my body in a whole new light. I am reminded time and time again of Tool:
This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality,
Embrace this moment, remember
We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion.
I am learning to love this body. I am learning to love the way it has held me together all of these years, despite aches and pains and imagined flaws. I will leave y'all with a poem I wrote today while reflecting, as well as a few of my new favorite pictures of my body.
Hope everyone has a restful Sunday night and kicks Monday's ass.
-Eluria
the benefit of doubt
i laid in bed last night
leaking tears slowly
watching romeo + juliet
with my best friend
letting my mind wander
trying to process the
shift
that just happened
and the doubt that flooded in
when i thought there was room for none
it was such a nasty surprise
when i found out there was
and i was immediately overwhelmed.
lost in that dark sea of hurt
and after floundering
for a bit longer than i wish
i found a foothold
and heard Delany whisper
"no fear to feed you with"
and i remembered i have gills
and i breathed in the sea of hurt
deeply
and i looked around
and Romeo was slaying Tybalt
(screaming "either thou, or i, or both must go with him")
and i thought,
"Dear Shakespeare
Can we get a happy ending please?"
and the juxtaposition
of hobo johnson and shakespeare
helped me see
evolution requires adaptation
borne about through the unexpected
and evolution is indicative of growth
growth can be so painful,
but also liberating
and although it took me a minute,
i found a way to actually see
the benefit in my doubts
the ability to stay soft and kind
in this cruel world
is one i will always cultivate
and cherish
