elphie

Sooo... I can post just about anything here because only two to three people who know what I'm talking about even read this shit.

I am very much a monogomus person by nature. If I love someone, if I'm with them, I want to be with just them and no one else.

I can over-look this small piece of me and am more than willing to be in an open relationship if it makes the person I'm with happy... espesially someone I love this much. I'd give up anything for him, my monogy.. or his in this case is small patatoes compared to a hundred other things.

It dosen't mean it dosen't hurt... that I don't worry, and that it dosen't depress me every now and then. I am in fact only human, and after sometime things start to eat away at a person.

If I say "No, I'm not comfortable with you sleeping with her." That should be the end of it. I shouldn't feel bad for denying him a piece of ass, and in all honesty I'm not sure why he has to continue to pester me about it. I admit that not all my reasons are sound or even logical, but a few of them hold some seriouse leverage... and it hsouldn't matter... it bugs me and there for will fuck with out relationship, that's reason enough for me.

The idea that five years down the road iwhen he says 'Marry me' and I say 'Yes' I'm terrified he'll walk away when I say that I can't be married and not be in a monogomus relationship... I'm just as scared that I'll walk away when he says he can't have anything but an open relationship.

I can't live with someone and know their sleeping with other people... right now I can home and forget about it.. but when you live with them and they don''t come home at night... you know EXACTLY what's going on.

I can't have children with someone in an open relationship. I can see it now.. "Mommy, wheres Daddy going?" "Oooohh out to fuck the nice lady at the Grocery Store" Yeah that's a healthy enviroment.

I can't be in a marrige that's not truly just me and that other person. It's a step up, that means things evolve, not just stay the same.

If it's just sex, then why is it so fucking important???

My whole fucking life I've been the person someones settled for until they've found someone else... I 've always called this 'Blue Ribbon Envey' a whole room full of red ribbons and second place throphys but not one blue ribbon with that damn #1 on it.

I have that with him, I know I'm the most important thing in his life, and that's amazing. But it's shakey as hell... it takes a lot for me to remind myself that I'm his everything.... and theres still always that doubt... that idea that he sleeps with other people because I'm just not good enough.

I'm monogomus at heart and it hurts like hell... it's worth it though... I just hope to god you don't kill me in the process.