ellewood

honestly, there is a reason why i don't get on facebook. i know i've said this before, but FUCK it's true. i officially HATE facebook. i hate that i had to reactivate it just so that i could get letters of recommendation from people who i don't keep in touch with anymore. i hate that i have to keep it up fore more than two minutes because these stupid people don't check their messages for days and i have to wait and wait and wait for their responses...
i HATE that i have no self control and i go looking for people and when i find them ...

god, it feels like my heart's been ripped out and stepped on a few thousand times. it doesn't help that said former best friend texted me today after a good two months of zero contact. i don't understand what posses someone to do that after so much time was spent not communicating. i had finally gotten over the situation, finally moved past it enough to not dwell on it, to not have to even think about him. i was able to think back and just kind of feel general disgust, instead of heartache. and now - fuck. just...fuck.

i feel so stuck in life.
stuck in a dead end job.
stuck in school - oh wait i'm quitting and then where will i go? see ya, 5 years down the drain.
stuck in this house.
stuck in this god damn state, hours away from the parents who love me.
stuck, stuck, stuck.

and then there's me. i don't like to deal with the person that i've become, i don't like to deal with the shit i went through, the shit that i haven't dealt with yet, i've just pushed away and hoped that i would feel better. lalskdfj i need to get the fuck out of here.


nothing seems more relevant than Dallas Green, when i feel like complete and total garbage.

no, i am not where i belong, so shine a light and guide me back home.