Well after much thought, strife and fighting I have decided to go on Vacation. I need to get away for a lil while, be some place new and differnt. Next saterday my friend Jamie is comming from In. to pick me up, we are gonna road trip for a lil then go to In where he lives... I'm really excited to see chicago (he lives on the Il/In border). He's footing the bill of this little indever because he knows I'm poor (pluse he makes a butt load of money) , I'm stressed and unhappy. I'm not sure how long I'll be gone yet but I have a lot of soul serching to do. Im not sure if Zach is going to leave me over this or not... I love him but Im unhappy and I hate my self... Thats no way to feel to be in a commited happy, healthy realtionship. If he does. I understand, I'm not sure if I was in his shoes that I would stay w/ me...
So I came here alone and trusting of ppl around me gave into every whim and just went w/ the flow. Now I look at my body, a flabby thing w/ reminets of a dancers poise, I clean dishes and cook meals, I sit and pine for him to come home and sleep restlessly w/ horrid nightmares of a blood stained past...
You know that one song " This is not my beautiful house! this is not my beautiful wife !... how did I get here?" This is what plays in my head, a sound track to go w/ the "wahhwahhwahhss" of ppl talking to me or laughing, I agree and nod I laugh along, get angry and give advice. But at night in bed when I'm just about to sleep and I'm telling my busy mind "shush now, inbrace the darkness drift away.." My mind says , "Im bord now change the chanel" and I say back "what chanel? We arent watching tv..." "oh" ....it says " I thought the heart left it on one of those really bad after school specials..." my eyes grow darker " are you kidding?" "no" annoyed now that Im being so dim " Now be a doll would ya and have heart throw me the remote, it's my turn..." ...
Crazy? I know but hey it kinda makes sence... Ive lost who I am and living through someone as a window to life is wrong... I tell my self to be happy because he's happy. and it doesn't work any longer. For what ever reason Im very very unhappy and somthins gotta give. Im not running away from my probles, Im taking exit stage right to sit in the crowd and find the plott....
So I came here alone and trusting of ppl around me gave into every whim and just went w/ the flow. Now I look at my body, a flabby thing w/ reminets of a dancers poise, I clean dishes and cook meals, I sit and pine for him to come home and sleep restlessly w/ horrid nightmares of a blood stained past...
You know that one song " This is not my beautiful house! this is not my beautiful wife !... how did I get here?" This is what plays in my head, a sound track to go w/ the "wahhwahhwahhss" of ppl talking to me or laughing, I agree and nod I laugh along, get angry and give advice. But at night in bed when I'm just about to sleep and I'm telling my busy mind "shush now, inbrace the darkness drift away.." My mind says , "Im bord now change the chanel" and I say back "what chanel? We arent watching tv..." "oh" ....it says " I thought the heart left it on one of those really bad after school specials..." my eyes grow darker " are you kidding?" "no" annoyed now that Im being so dim " Now be a doll would ya and have heart throw me the remote, it's my turn..." ...
Crazy? I know but hey it kinda makes sence... Ive lost who I am and living through someone as a window to life is wrong... I tell my self to be happy because he's happy. and it doesn't work any longer. For what ever reason Im very very unhappy and somthins gotta give. Im not running away from my probles, Im taking exit stage right to sit in the crowd and find the plott....
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lotsa love
roo