Monday Sep 17, 2007

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Who am I?

Who am I, in this world? How can I possibly have such an effect on another human being? How can someone love me so much that they cannot shove me aside? Why is it that I can have this power? I do not deserve it. And nor do they.

What the fuck do I have that makes someone addicted to me? I cannot comprehend it. But it sucks ass, as they say. I do not deserve it. I do not deserve it. I do not deserve it. I keep telling myself this. So why is it here? I do not deserve it. I do not deserve it. I do not deserve it.

I do not deserve to have someone tell me that they cannot forget me. That they cannot go on without hoping to have me. Not simply sexually, but in their life. I am not that special. I am not that special. I am not that special.

I. AM. NOT. THAT. FUCKING. SPECIAL.

I. DO. NOT. FUCKING. DESERVE. IT.

In the past, people who have been special to me have treated me like shit. I have found that, in most cases, I can hate their stinkin' guts. Why can this not be the case? Why can I not treat this person shitty enough to push them away? I ask myself this over and over and over and over and over, and even over again. Do I sound obsessive compulsive right now? Perhaps a bit. But I am mostly reiterating it to myself that I do not deserve this love. This love that I have betrayed. This love that won't fucking stop. This love that I cannot fully reciprocate. This love that is tragic.










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catdad:
The kids are mostly fine, otherwise. Terhu didn't actually throw up, that I could find. It may have been a false puke. Terhu comes from the name of a character in the Ruby radio serial (have them on CD now) I mention in my blog - Professor T. J. Teru. My best friend, K, and I were living together when he showed up in our yard one afternoon and after a few weeks of trying to agree on a name, K suggested Terhu from the program. Except that we both wrongly assumed that it had a fancy 'h' in it somewhere. I'm visiting K and her boyfriend in Bismarck next month - my upcoming road trip.

My kids are worse at times about throwing up, too. Hopefully Veruca will give you an extended reprieve.

Good thoughts back at you. smile
solomantra:
Hey you...here's a linguistic-y article that you may find interesting:

Languages Die, But Not Their Last Words

muchos besos, mujer hermosa...

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