Class sucked ass. I realize I have major self esteem issues. I know I analyze shit wayyyy to much. I know I tend to question my path and attempt to measure success where there might not, and maybe shouldn't be any yet. But these things don't make me feel anyless of a failure, well that's kinda the harsher adjative, but it definately fits what I'm feeling right now.
I want to call myself and artist, a photographer, yet I don't go to class prepared. I've spend well over a hundred dollars this semester on books, and haven't really attempted to study once yet. I don't dwell on the techincal aspects, which I know isn't a fault in it's own right, but if I don't spend the time to learn my craft, at least the principles to then apply them as needed, then what the fuck am I doing here?
K, anyone still reading, this is going to be a long rant, and probably a bit undeciferable at times, so if your not really interested, save yourself a bit of time now and proceed elsewhere.
I'm got several issues this evening. They've just been compounding.
Men -
1. Christopher - Our relations up until now have been wierd and unhealthy, so why the hell not continue it on a long distance basis? I realize that I let alot of the shit that I don't like happen to me by just being complient. I realize that sometimes, I'll take the wrong attention over no attention. I don't do so well when I'm completely ignored. Yet at the same time I don't reach out to people or give them a reason to want to get to know me or get inside my head. This guy and I had a very casual, very off and on again, and there's no better way to put it than to say fuck-buddy arrangment going on for almost a year, from when I first moved here until he moved away. I might have been nieve in the beginning, but no one I know of, especially the girls that I kinda look up to and want to model in their essence and power, would have ever put themselves in my position or allowed themselves to be such an emotional wasteland for even a hundredth of the amount of time that we did our thing. It's just not healthy, and while I realize that, and attempted to stop it several times, why did the only immediate benefit of casual sex prevail?
2. Issac - While I did pull a kinda half boyfriends thing between and the above mentioned, I stopped sleeping with him when I thought you might be remotely interested in a relationship. I liked you. I could never read you, and instead of coming right out and tell you that I like you, I let myself analyze and stress until that feeling that I was so concerned about in the begining was no longer recallable. You mixed up your signals as much as I did, and I didn't really know for certain that you ever even liked me, because the one time that I confessed my feelings, you professed how you had never or would never feel anything for me. So you definately can not call me up now that your life is on the fritz to express that you did have feelings. While the reassurance that I'm not crazy is a little morsel of relief, I'm not going to play a part in the reconstruction of your ego. You had your chance, you made your choices, you've moved on, don't expect me to play pick-you-up or rebound chick. Fuck, this isn't even directed at you, this is at all of them.
Kyle - I don't know what the hell it is that I did to scare you off. The first fucking chance I had at a seemingly decent non-fucked-up relationship with a "normal" guy and he hightails it before I even find out what was wrong with me.
*grrrrr*
School/Work -
I guess I'm just being frustrated, and while these two should be exclusive, they aren't. How the hell can I go to school if I'm no getting an income somewhere, and how can I be happy at my p.o.s. job if I don't have that light at the end of the tunnel of escape that is the promise of a better job. I'm doing a terriable terriable job of being independant and self-reliant. I can't rely on mom to bail me out every time I can't make rent simply because I like working at Ritz. Hell, I don't like it, it's just become habit. I need to find something that I can support myself with while going to school. I'm here, I'm doing it, I need to do it right.
K, enough of this, I need to go be active or something.
I want to call myself and artist, a photographer, yet I don't go to class prepared. I've spend well over a hundred dollars this semester on books, and haven't really attempted to study once yet. I don't dwell on the techincal aspects, which I know isn't a fault in it's own right, but if I don't spend the time to learn my craft, at least the principles to then apply them as needed, then what the fuck am I doing here?
K, anyone still reading, this is going to be a long rant, and probably a bit undeciferable at times, so if your not really interested, save yourself a bit of time now and proceed elsewhere.
I'm got several issues this evening. They've just been compounding.
Men -
1. Christopher - Our relations up until now have been wierd and unhealthy, so why the hell not continue it on a long distance basis? I realize that I let alot of the shit that I don't like happen to me by just being complient. I realize that sometimes, I'll take the wrong attention over no attention. I don't do so well when I'm completely ignored. Yet at the same time I don't reach out to people or give them a reason to want to get to know me or get inside my head. This guy and I had a very casual, very off and on again, and there's no better way to put it than to say fuck-buddy arrangment going on for almost a year, from when I first moved here until he moved away. I might have been nieve in the beginning, but no one I know of, especially the girls that I kinda look up to and want to model in their essence and power, would have ever put themselves in my position or allowed themselves to be such an emotional wasteland for even a hundredth of the amount of time that we did our thing. It's just not healthy, and while I realize that, and attempted to stop it several times, why did the only immediate benefit of casual sex prevail?
2. Issac - While I did pull a kinda half boyfriends thing between and the above mentioned, I stopped sleeping with him when I thought you might be remotely interested in a relationship. I liked you. I could never read you, and instead of coming right out and tell you that I like you, I let myself analyze and stress until that feeling that I was so concerned about in the begining was no longer recallable. You mixed up your signals as much as I did, and I didn't really know for certain that you ever even liked me, because the one time that I confessed my feelings, you professed how you had never or would never feel anything for me. So you definately can not call me up now that your life is on the fritz to express that you did have feelings. While the reassurance that I'm not crazy is a little morsel of relief, I'm not going to play a part in the reconstruction of your ego. You had your chance, you made your choices, you've moved on, don't expect me to play pick-you-up or rebound chick. Fuck, this isn't even directed at you, this is at all of them.
Kyle - I don't know what the hell it is that I did to scare you off. The first fucking chance I had at a seemingly decent non-fucked-up relationship with a "normal" guy and he hightails it before I even find out what was wrong with me.
*grrrrr*
School/Work -
I guess I'm just being frustrated, and while these two should be exclusive, they aren't. How the hell can I go to school if I'm no getting an income somewhere, and how can I be happy at my p.o.s. job if I don't have that light at the end of the tunnel of escape that is the promise of a better job. I'm doing a terriable terriable job of being independant and self-reliant. I can't rely on mom to bail me out every time I can't make rent simply because I like working at Ritz. Hell, I don't like it, it's just become habit. I need to find something that I can support myself with while going to school. I'm here, I'm doing it, I need to do it right.
K, enough of this, I need to go be active or something.
wooten:
Seeing as how I don't know you, I don't mean for this to sound like an outright truth. But, it seems to me that you need to take a step back from everything and get a look on all of it as a whole. You might simply need to look at everything going for you right now and figure out what it is you really want and then choose the best path of getting there. Like it or not, it's all in your hands.
armadillofuzz:
it's good to get things off your chest. 