Thanks for the birthday greetings everyone. I defintely needed that. It made me feel really good and was the perfect cap to another year gone by. It has been a pretty eventful year for me and I am lying in bed reflecting on all that has happened over that time.
One of the great events was after knowing Nikki for a year, her and I began a relationship that was both fruitful and beautiful. It was also at times painful and difficult, but I really cared about our fate and could not contemplate what life would be like without her by my side. I hadn't felt like that for someone in a very long time, if ever. When things get hard I usually bail. But it was totally different with her. I like that. It surprised me.
So I look back on ourselves and how that state of happiness and wonder started to change. I know that every relationship changes and mellows out a bit, but perhaps we didn't have what it takes to get through that. I love her.
We agreed at the beginning of the relationship that if we ever got to a point where things became dull or boring(for lack of better words), that we would not drag anything out. That we would acknowlege what was happening and if we didn't feel it coulc change, we would move on. So that is waht happened. Although it wasn't dull, our communication with each other was breaking down. After all this time, we still could not read each other. We could not learn to accept or perhaps figure out our personalities. How to deal with the crummy parts. We all have those.
I know I am stubborn and unappreciative at times. I'm selfish and greedy and overly sensitive. When I'm hurting, I want others to feel as lousy as me. These are all behaviors that I abhore. They disgust me. And yet, I display these at times. I think that is what bothers me so much right now. I am a good person, I know that.
Anyways, I've been analyzing things because I want to know why we have parted. We both agreed to it and neither of us are angry at one another. It's just been hard for us both. We still live together, and in fact are still sleeping in the same bed. We haven't had time to move things around and go get another bed and all that. I don't know. I went through the emotions of sadness, acceptance, now anger and resentment. Not at her, but at our fate. It's bullshit. I miss her even though we live in the same friggin' house. Geeeez.
So anyways, that is where I have been all this time. Trying to figure shit out. Trying to go about my days as positively as possible. I'm doing fine, I just need some time to relax. And figure shit out.
My birthday was really great, however. So thank you all again.
One of the great events was after knowing Nikki for a year, her and I began a relationship that was both fruitful and beautiful. It was also at times painful and difficult, but I really cared about our fate and could not contemplate what life would be like without her by my side. I hadn't felt like that for someone in a very long time, if ever. When things get hard I usually bail. But it was totally different with her. I like that. It surprised me.
So I look back on ourselves and how that state of happiness and wonder started to change. I know that every relationship changes and mellows out a bit, but perhaps we didn't have what it takes to get through that. I love her.
We agreed at the beginning of the relationship that if we ever got to a point where things became dull or boring(for lack of better words), that we would not drag anything out. That we would acknowlege what was happening and if we didn't feel it coulc change, we would move on. So that is waht happened. Although it wasn't dull, our communication with each other was breaking down. After all this time, we still could not read each other. We could not learn to accept or perhaps figure out our personalities. How to deal with the crummy parts. We all have those.
I know I am stubborn and unappreciative at times. I'm selfish and greedy and overly sensitive. When I'm hurting, I want others to feel as lousy as me. These are all behaviors that I abhore. They disgust me. And yet, I display these at times. I think that is what bothers me so much right now. I am a good person, I know that.
Anyways, I've been analyzing things because I want to know why we have parted. We both agreed to it and neither of us are angry at one another. It's just been hard for us both. We still live together, and in fact are still sleeping in the same bed. We haven't had time to move things around and go get another bed and all that. I don't know. I went through the emotions of sadness, acceptance, now anger and resentment. Not at her, but at our fate. It's bullshit. I miss her even though we live in the same friggin' house. Geeeez.
So anyways, that is where I have been all this time. Trying to figure shit out. Trying to go about my days as positively as possible. I'm doing fine, I just need some time to relax. And figure shit out.
My birthday was really great, however. So thank you all again.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
wigglefree:
here's to living for your own reasons amigo!
whiskeyfightpit:
God's not even part of it. Don't sweat it. When yer dead and gone they'll just send you back here anyway. If you aint gettin' new you aint gettin' zen. So get busy in a Burger King bathroom as much as humanly possible.