ele

I hate the feeling of not being able to trust someone.
Anyone.
I want to talk to people about how I'm feeling or, whatever, bullshit like that.
But recently whenever I'v done that it's always come back to me through someone else.
Because someone played fucking chinese whispers. And not only told my secrets but also managed to add on some exciting, untrue rumors.
Nothing is sacred.
I feel like I don't have a friend in the world.
I have never had friends who are like 'hey where's Ele'
I've never had friends who miss my company.
I've never had friends who are gutted when I'm not there.
If I come along, sweet, all good.
But 98% of the time I'm never directly invited, I always tag along.
Ughh. This is crap.

I had a moment of non-conformist rebellion and was like 'damn the man, I ain't taking your prescription pill, I don't need your chemicals fucking with my brains'
So I stopped taking the stupid pills the doctor gave me. But my Mother told me she wants me to go back on them. She thinks I need them. This sucks. I can't believe it has come to this.

I have been working so hard this past week. I feel like I haven't stopped.
I'm so tired and my feet are so sore, standing on my feet all day selling fucking shoes. It's all a bit of an oxymoron. Oh did I tell you I got a job? I did. And it's taking over my life.
Which brings me to another point on the 22 of March my baby girl turned 1.
I didn't even get to spend the day with her because I was working.
Blah.

Happy Birthday Penelope Eve. I love you.

Sigh
I hope it all slows down soon
Too much too fast.