ele

Seriously. What do you do when you feel like there's no one in the world you can talk to?
I have no friends I feel comfortable talking to. They won't understand.
I'm gone through my phone book a hundred times, scouring for a name that might evoke feelings of trust and warmth. I get nothing.
I just feel lost. I feel like I've made mistakes. I feel like I can't get out.
I feel like a terrible person.
I don't feel pretty anymore.
I don't feel sexy.
There are so many things getting me down.
I want my body back.
I don't want to stop breastfeeding my baby.
I'm sick of speeding day upon day upon day with my child. How sick is that. How wrong is that.
I read these post by my fellow SGers about how in love with their partner they are. I want to feel that way.
I read posts about how much fun they have with their babies. I wish I had that.
I love my baby I do. But I just have a black cloud over me at the moment.
I feel like I just need to go for a week. Be alone. Find my head.
A friend of mine wants me. I know he does. He's told me.
And I like that. I like the way it feels to be wanted.
I want to be with him. And that's fucked up. Because I have a boyfriend.
But it all feels so lifeless.
This hurts.
And I don't know what to do or how to handle it.

My sister is pregnant and I feel like telling her not to have the baby. Not to have the baby and not to get married. Because I'm scared she'll end up feeling the way I do.
That is wrong.
That is so wrong.

What is wrong with me.

I feel slighty better writing that all down.

Crucify me if you will.