well, i would like to apologize for not being around. i know that there are maybe a select few of you that actually read my journal much less get the chance to talk to me.
my computer monitor got fucked up and hasnt worked for awhile. i got a new one but i havent really had the chance (nor energy) to plug the new one in. call it lazy, call it busy, call it what you want. excuses excuses.
this weekend has got to be one of the worst weekends i have had in a LONG time.
my aunt left to go camping this weekend with my parents. wood came over on friday (just him and i) and i came home to my aunts dog who i guess was sick. i had to clean up after the dog (i hope you know what i am saying here) and i went down to check on mizer. he seemed fine but i noticed he hadn't eaten his food that still sat there from the night before. i thought nothing of it because usually puppies get pretty picky about what and when they eat. i figured that i would go in the morning to get him another type of dog food. (he didnt like the current brand anyway.) i took him outside to use the bathroom and he too, seemed sick. i brought him in for awhile and he sat next to daniel. he crawled behind daniel and nuzzled his face into the couch and prepared to vomit. now i knew something was wrong. i couldnt schedule a vet check until morning so i cuddled with him for awhile and made sure he got to sleep okay. the next morning i woke up extra early and called the vet to schedule and appointment. i got one for ten that same morning and took him in. the vet said he had a stomach virus and that it was sort of like a cold that just kinda goes away. but, it can be fatal if they are too young or too old. the vet said that since my dog was a certain age that he should be alright and gave me some medicines to give him at certain times of the day and also stated that if he got any worse that i should bring him in for an IV. he did fine until around eleven o'clock at night. around that time he got really sick and eventually started to vomit blood. i rushed him into the emergency room where they ran some tests and looked deeper into the matter. i stayed by his side for another four and a half hours, waiting patiently for any news. the vet came in and said that they wanted to test his blood for its white blood cell count. if he was above 3000 then he might be okay (90-98 percent chance of survival) within a couple of days (2-5 days) with a bill of approx 800 dollars to 1200 dollars. i was good with that. then she says that if its below 1000 count on his white blood cells that it would be three to four thousand dollars with a 50 percent chance of survival at best. i allowed her to take the test and waited another half hour gritting my teeth, crossing my fingers, and praying to god that he would be okay...
the results came in. he had less then one thousand cells and his stomach was wretching with pain. i cried, of course, and asked the doctor what her personal opinion was on the matter. she said that if it was her dog it was better to let him go rather then be selfish and keep him around (with a potential return of the sickness) for me.
so, i was faced with the hardest decision i had ever made in my life. i couldnt be selfish. i know it might be stupid to some people to let my little 'baby' die but i suppose i felt guilty because i didnt want anything like that to return only to cause him more pain and anguish. so i lost mizer.
i immediately felt things i had never felt before. i was nauseated, i was dizzy, i was tired, i just wanted to lay on the side walk and let time pass me by. i closed my eyes but i could feel my pupils traveling left and right, up and down, in every direction uncontrollably.
i'm sorry.
i love you baby boy and im so sorry.
my computer monitor got fucked up and hasnt worked for awhile. i got a new one but i havent really had the chance (nor energy) to plug the new one in. call it lazy, call it busy, call it what you want. excuses excuses.
this weekend has got to be one of the worst weekends i have had in a LONG time.
my aunt left to go camping this weekend with my parents. wood came over on friday (just him and i) and i came home to my aunts dog who i guess was sick. i had to clean up after the dog (i hope you know what i am saying here) and i went down to check on mizer. he seemed fine but i noticed he hadn't eaten his food that still sat there from the night before. i thought nothing of it because usually puppies get pretty picky about what and when they eat. i figured that i would go in the morning to get him another type of dog food. (he didnt like the current brand anyway.) i took him outside to use the bathroom and he too, seemed sick. i brought him in for awhile and he sat next to daniel. he crawled behind daniel and nuzzled his face into the couch and prepared to vomit. now i knew something was wrong. i couldnt schedule a vet check until morning so i cuddled with him for awhile and made sure he got to sleep okay. the next morning i woke up extra early and called the vet to schedule and appointment. i got one for ten that same morning and took him in. the vet said he had a stomach virus and that it was sort of like a cold that just kinda goes away. but, it can be fatal if they are too young or too old. the vet said that since my dog was a certain age that he should be alright and gave me some medicines to give him at certain times of the day and also stated that if he got any worse that i should bring him in for an IV. he did fine until around eleven o'clock at night. around that time he got really sick and eventually started to vomit blood. i rushed him into the emergency room where they ran some tests and looked deeper into the matter. i stayed by his side for another four and a half hours, waiting patiently for any news. the vet came in and said that they wanted to test his blood for its white blood cell count. if he was above 3000 then he might be okay (90-98 percent chance of survival) within a couple of days (2-5 days) with a bill of approx 800 dollars to 1200 dollars. i was good with that. then she says that if its below 1000 count on his white blood cells that it would be three to four thousand dollars with a 50 percent chance of survival at best. i allowed her to take the test and waited another half hour gritting my teeth, crossing my fingers, and praying to god that he would be okay...
the results came in. he had less then one thousand cells and his stomach was wretching with pain. i cried, of course, and asked the doctor what her personal opinion was on the matter. she said that if it was her dog it was better to let him go rather then be selfish and keep him around (with a potential return of the sickness) for me.
so, i was faced with the hardest decision i had ever made in my life. i couldnt be selfish. i know it might be stupid to some people to let my little 'baby' die but i suppose i felt guilty because i didnt want anything like that to return only to cause him more pain and anguish. so i lost mizer.
i immediately felt things i had never felt before. i was nauseated, i was dizzy, i was tired, i just wanted to lay on the side walk and let time pass me by. i closed my eyes but i could feel my pupils traveling left and right, up and down, in every direction uncontrollably.
i'm sorry.
i love you baby boy and im so sorry.
it IS like losing a best friend and yourself. i feel guilty still eventhough i know it was the 'humane' thing to do.
thanks for the hugs, they are greatly needed and appriciated.
*hugs back...all kinds.