[Begin Angry Rant]
Last year, I was going through an EXTREMELY hard time in my life. This is... say... February. My husband is being a complete dickwad and ignoring me CONSTANTLY, setting me aside, pushing me away, and while dealing with this, I made friends with one of the cashiers working at the store my bank was located in. He was sweet, understood my life, and soon fell completely in love with me. I really cared about him, and soon our friendship was a little blurry. Meanwhile, I left my husband, who had started stalking me and nosing through my things, and the second I was on the market, this kid took off and ran the other direction. We didn't speak for a year- and I ran into him in the grocery store. We exchanged numbers because mine had changed and so had his- and we started talking; all the sudden, he stopped calling/answering the phone.
I was ok with this. He could go. Fuck him. I've learned to be happy with my life and accept that people leave.
jSo... fast forward 9 months. I'm driving out to the bar to hang out with a few of my SG friends, and for the first time, I'm completely content with myself. I've learned to express myself in a manner that suits me. My phone rings and my whole world just got a little weirder.
He found me via the internet- one of those people search things and went through old phone records of his looking for my number; I guess he had been thinking about me. I was "the one who got away." And as he talked, I knew that it was all bullshit.
So we meet up a week later and he barely recognizes me. I look almost the same- but he keeps talking about how different I look. We start talking about my tattoos- my three little ones that I've gotten in the past year. Then I stopped by the store passing through one day with my new ear piercings- 10 gauge, so they aren't huge or anything. My hair iis different, but I've always had weird hair. I was headed out to a club so I was wearing a bit more makeup than usual.
So... he calls me last night, 2 weeks later, and accuses me of having an identity crisis. Says I'm rebelling against what oppressed me and that all of my poetry and my tattoos and my piercings and my hair and my makeup and my clothes are all bullshit and that I'm trying to be visibly different rather than different inside. He tells me, "you were cuter before." Fuck you, I don't want to be a little preppy bitch like I was before; I was confined to that standard because anytime I talked about the tattoos that I wanted with my ex he would grimace at the thought of me doing that. I wanted to be pierced and my ex would talk me out of it. I wanted different clothes and always got told not to. I was instructed to keep my interests quiet and relinquished to the standards his family hypocritically held me to.
I've been single for a year now, and doing what I want to do. I dye my hair whatever color I want without asking for permission. I buy clothes because I like them and not because a guy tells me that he thinks I would look hot if I did more of whatever. The thing is, I've started being myself for the first time. This isn't an identity crisis- I'm doing what I've always wanted to do.
Secondly, he tells me I'm not as innocent and that I seem "cynical and jaded, hard and... angry." Ok, well, you just tried to tell me why I do things. You have no idea. YOU HAVEN'T BEEN AROUND FOR A YEAR. I think someone who has been around for the past year would know that this is the furthest thing from an identity crisis. Anyone who has known me for a long span of time, INCLUDING my ex-husband, will tell you that I am who I am now.
I haven't changed- I've always written poetry. I've always taken pictures. I've always been a very artistic person. I've always expressed it through different things; I've always thought a little bit differently. I have been through the wringer for the past year and I have come out a little more hard and a little bit more cynical and jaded because I have been used, abused, and taken advantage of. It is natural to lose your innocence over time. In reality, I've had a lot of healing. My poetry written a year ago versus my poetry today is much happier and a lot less angry. Yes, my life is infinitely different than what it was two years ago. I have been exposed to different schools of thought, I have two more years of education under my belt, and I've gotten a lot more mature. I have become a bit cynical. I am a little jaded. I have a little harder shell to crack now because I'm very easily hurt.
Tell me, why is it that he felt the need to tell me who I am after only knowing me for a year and a half of my 23 years, only 3 months of which he talked to me on a regular basis? Who is he to judge me and my friends? I don't care that you shop at Abercrombie and Fitch, so don't bother me about my rather petty and even somewhat acceptable to mainstream body mods. I thought this kid was pretty cool and accepting of others, but apparently the only thing that is acceptable is the standard, and if there is one thing I am intolerant, it is the intolerant. I hope this kid NEVER darkens my towers again and I hope the retort he got from me will prevent him from remembering my phone number.
[end angry rant]
Has anyone else had this experience? BTW, if you want to see the ENORMOUS difference between me now and me last time he saw me, you can look in my pics folder. 2 weeks ago when he saw me- check out the piercing party pictures. The pictures in my original folder are as far back as December. There isn't that much of a difference at all.
Last year, I was going through an EXTREMELY hard time in my life. This is... say... February. My husband is being a complete dickwad and ignoring me CONSTANTLY, setting me aside, pushing me away, and while dealing with this, I made friends with one of the cashiers working at the store my bank was located in. He was sweet, understood my life, and soon fell completely in love with me. I really cared about him, and soon our friendship was a little blurry. Meanwhile, I left my husband, who had started stalking me and nosing through my things, and the second I was on the market, this kid took off and ran the other direction. We didn't speak for a year- and I ran into him in the grocery store. We exchanged numbers because mine had changed and so had his- and we started talking; all the sudden, he stopped calling/answering the phone.
I was ok with this. He could go. Fuck him. I've learned to be happy with my life and accept that people leave.
jSo... fast forward 9 months. I'm driving out to the bar to hang out with a few of my SG friends, and for the first time, I'm completely content with myself. I've learned to express myself in a manner that suits me. My phone rings and my whole world just got a little weirder.
He found me via the internet- one of those people search things and went through old phone records of his looking for my number; I guess he had been thinking about me. I was "the one who got away." And as he talked, I knew that it was all bullshit.
So we meet up a week later and he barely recognizes me. I look almost the same- but he keeps talking about how different I look. We start talking about my tattoos- my three little ones that I've gotten in the past year. Then I stopped by the store passing through one day with my new ear piercings- 10 gauge, so they aren't huge or anything. My hair iis different, but I've always had weird hair. I was headed out to a club so I was wearing a bit more makeup than usual.
So... he calls me last night, 2 weeks later, and accuses me of having an identity crisis. Says I'm rebelling against what oppressed me and that all of my poetry and my tattoos and my piercings and my hair and my makeup and my clothes are all bullshit and that I'm trying to be visibly different rather than different inside. He tells me, "you were cuter before." Fuck you, I don't want to be a little preppy bitch like I was before; I was confined to that standard because anytime I talked about the tattoos that I wanted with my ex he would grimace at the thought of me doing that. I wanted to be pierced and my ex would talk me out of it. I wanted different clothes and always got told not to. I was instructed to keep my interests quiet and relinquished to the standards his family hypocritically held me to.
I've been single for a year now, and doing what I want to do. I dye my hair whatever color I want without asking for permission. I buy clothes because I like them and not because a guy tells me that he thinks I would look hot if I did more of whatever. The thing is, I've started being myself for the first time. This isn't an identity crisis- I'm doing what I've always wanted to do.
Secondly, he tells me I'm not as innocent and that I seem "cynical and jaded, hard and... angry." Ok, well, you just tried to tell me why I do things. You have no idea. YOU HAVEN'T BEEN AROUND FOR A YEAR. I think someone who has been around for the past year would know that this is the furthest thing from an identity crisis. Anyone who has known me for a long span of time, INCLUDING my ex-husband, will tell you that I am who I am now.
I haven't changed- I've always written poetry. I've always taken pictures. I've always been a very artistic person. I've always expressed it through different things; I've always thought a little bit differently. I have been through the wringer for the past year and I have come out a little more hard and a little bit more cynical and jaded because I have been used, abused, and taken advantage of. It is natural to lose your innocence over time. In reality, I've had a lot of healing. My poetry written a year ago versus my poetry today is much happier and a lot less angry. Yes, my life is infinitely different than what it was two years ago. I have been exposed to different schools of thought, I have two more years of education under my belt, and I've gotten a lot more mature. I have become a bit cynical. I am a little jaded. I have a little harder shell to crack now because I'm very easily hurt.
Tell me, why is it that he felt the need to tell me who I am after only knowing me for a year and a half of my 23 years, only 3 months of which he talked to me on a regular basis? Who is he to judge me and my friends? I don't care that you shop at Abercrombie and Fitch, so don't bother me about my rather petty and even somewhat acceptable to mainstream body mods. I thought this kid was pretty cool and accepting of others, but apparently the only thing that is acceptable is the standard, and if there is one thing I am intolerant, it is the intolerant. I hope this kid NEVER darkens my towers again and I hope the retort he got from me will prevent him from remembering my phone number.
[end angry rant]
Has anyone else had this experience? BTW, if you want to see the ENORMOUS difference between me now and me last time he saw me, you can look in my pics folder. 2 weeks ago when he saw me- check out the piercing party pictures. The pictures in my original folder are as far back as December. There isn't that much of a difference at all.
VIEW 13 of 13 COMMENTS
vivid:
I know I need to come out ... im a workaholic hermit. An insane multitasker.
sleepingvw:
your moving forward, why would someone want to say thats a bad thing. your becoming who you want to be. Go for it. 