Wake up.
Cleanse body.
Dress.
Take pills.
Consider food.
Procure beverage.
Move along.
I've heard that this can be a relatively pain-free process and can, for some, even become routine. Such is not the case in my house. With increasing regularity, I find myself floundering among these pillars of hygene and health.
Recent episodes of pooch screwing include, but are not limited to the following:
-Throwing the day's clothes onto the bed only to realize that there was a person (now) burried beneath them. A very understanding person - especially considering the involvement of shoes.
-Early on, I also forgot to tell the same person (very very understanding) that my alarm clock wouldn't buzz, but instead would play a CD of the theme to 2001. Loudly.
-Refilling the cats' water bowls with Gatorade instead of Brita water.
-Attempting to wash my face with conditioner.
-Attempting to condition my hair with bar soap.
-Getting into a shower set to 100% cold.
-Holding a toothbrush in one hand and deodorant in the other trying to remember which still needed to be addressed.
-Falling asleep in the shower. Standing. That's right.
-Washing my hands with toothpaste.
-Dial on my toothbrush.
-Pomade on my toothbrush.
-Listerine as aftershave. Brown Listerine (tastes terrible, so you know it works - just not as an aftershave).
Throw in a couple of near shaving/sideburn/male topiary disasters and it's amazing they still let me leave the house unsupervised and without a helmet.
All of the calamities listed above are 100% true and accurate to the best of my somwehat hampered recollection. All of them. In most instances tragedy was narrowly averted. Most.
Officially, I'm pro-morning. I voted in favor of continued mornings during the last election. Why mornings continue to put up with my antics is anybody's guess.
'Fess-up.
I wanna hear grandiose tales of morning delirium and subsequent hilarity.
Don't lie, or I'll know.
Cleanse body.
Dress.
Take pills.
Consider food.
Procure beverage.
Move along.
I've heard that this can be a relatively pain-free process and can, for some, even become routine. Such is not the case in my house. With increasing regularity, I find myself floundering among these pillars of hygene and health.
Recent episodes of pooch screwing include, but are not limited to the following:
-Throwing the day's clothes onto the bed only to realize that there was a person (now) burried beneath them. A very understanding person - especially considering the involvement of shoes.
-Early on, I also forgot to tell the same person (very very understanding) that my alarm clock wouldn't buzz, but instead would play a CD of the theme to 2001. Loudly.
-Refilling the cats' water bowls with Gatorade instead of Brita water.
-Attempting to wash my face with conditioner.
-Attempting to condition my hair with bar soap.
-Getting into a shower set to 100% cold.
-Holding a toothbrush in one hand and deodorant in the other trying to remember which still needed to be addressed.
-Falling asleep in the shower. Standing. That's right.
-Washing my hands with toothpaste.
-Dial on my toothbrush.
-Pomade on my toothbrush.
-Listerine as aftershave. Brown Listerine (tastes terrible, so you know it works - just not as an aftershave).
Throw in a couple of near shaving/sideburn/male topiary disasters and it's amazing they still let me leave the house unsupervised and without a helmet.
All of the calamities listed above are 100% true and accurate to the best of my somwehat hampered recollection. All of them. In most instances tragedy was narrowly averted. Most.
Officially, I'm pro-morning. I voted in favor of continued mornings during the last election. Why mornings continue to put up with my antics is anybody's guess.
'Fess-up.
I wanna hear grandiose tales of morning delirium and subsequent hilarity.
Don't lie, or I'll know.
VIEW 17 of 17 COMMENTS
darklis:
I've been so good lately, I think my boobs have shrunk. That's what happens to good girls, you know. 
kiva:
I hEART yOU!!!!
