effie_clair

It's late and I'm trying not to think about death - specifically, my own. I do not like.
Your existence can get chills. Someone grabs the vertebral construct of your being and makes everything a spineless colloid of suck.
Yup.. that's the one.
I brought it up with my friend/musical conspirator and he was pretty dismissive of it. Most people seem to be in my extensive spreadinging of my misery "You realize you're going to stop existing? Seriously.. it is going to happen.. how do you feel now?"
Sometimes... often, I have trouble understanding why everyone isn't screaming and then someone fronts me with total feigned ignorance of what I'm talking about. I'm not fond of being shut down in the empathy department. It's a little alienating when people act well-adjusted about things you shouldn't adjust to. It's death, people. Freak the fuck out about it and donkey punch life with your enthusiasm to hold the fuck onto it. The fact is, every existential thought is archetypical i.e. I ain't special. If I feel life pissing on the electric fence of my social constructs, you do too. Don't play. You know you're skerded.
No, it doesn't actually matter but it is primal and shitty and real. Really real. It's the realest. It shakes the foundations of all of the things we float over the surface of reality to obscure it. Cyclical and obliterating.
I am Ozymandias, etc.

Topical song? Yes, I has:


I went to a party tonight. Second outing in a week! Watch the fuck out.
I feel weird after being around people who aren't in my "crazy random shit" confidence particularly in a situation of supposed levity and community.
I have to balance guillessness with some species of tact. I don't like it.
I is what I is and yes, I likes spinach.

I've realized that types of people are repetitive. I knew this already but it punched my nose tonight. Every party I go to is attended by one variable girl who compensates for being plain by being loud, abrasive, obnoxious, over-bearing, touchy-feely, sexually provocative, and "witty." I showed up and she immediately started "teasing" me and touching my face. She's very sweet and I feel very evil for compartmentalizing her with my other much more loathed banes but.. my face? Really? I don't like random people touching my face, kthnx. I didn't know how to respond because her jests were kind of forced and had no appropriate response. I smiled awkardly and made a joke about how I was behind in the blood-alcohol level department.

Anyhow, I always leave these kind of social situations feeling out of control. I lose track of what I've said, am not sure of my acheived impression and feel strange and kind of gross.
I don't know what that shit means. I get morose every time. Maybe it is the forced aspect of it along with expectations when I am truly a fluid state-of-consciousness type person. I like contradicting myself and floating around my ideas freely and a judging audience that I can't be assured of makes me feel dirty. I'm an analytical person, clearly, so that may be it. I notice the ease of others in each other's company and I marvel at it. I'm constantly thinking "Wow.. did I change the course of the conversation irrevocably.. what if so-and-so had more to say on that subject. Now I won't know. I'd be pissed. What if everyone around the table was a giant grasshopper. It's not far off. Shit! Did I just say something about Mithra's mythos and it's effect on bible-era trends of messianic figures. Oh, God.. she's staring at me like I'd look good tied to a stake.. um.. say something ambiguous and hurry the fuck up about it.. yes.. 'all life originated in africa' will have to do.. GO GO!"
It gets fucking weird.
I often say wildly inappropriate things without meaning to like accidentally saying "what an abortion" around someone who just had a miscarriage.
I'm way too interior, I think. I drop shit a lot too because I start thinking far too deeply and actively about something and forget what I'm doing. These situations just make existing awkward.

I need to pee now. Enjoy the respite.