Been working on a mixtape for what seems like a month, but has only been a week. There is always a timeframe with mixtapes, meaning that if you don't finish it quickly, you begin to lose your desire to even create it. That's how I usually feel, but this one is different. This one is important. This tape sums up how I've felt for many months now about myself and my ex. I've penned so many words in hopes of releasing my bitterness, jealousy and pain, but sometimes you have to throw your hands into the air and let someone else speak for you. That's where the tape comes in.
Obviously, my ex and I were very close and we still are but it's different now. We are in different places, we live different lives and when we talk now it's for 15 minutes on the phone as opposed to 4 hours in the car, or 3 hours in the park. I tell you that it's very hard to remain good friends with someone you once loved deeply, because that past constantly returns to haunt you. I had never tried it before, and I admire anyone who accomplishes this. There are times I want to let go and rid myself of the shadows, and then there are other times where I need to know she's out there and okay because I care. She's moved on very easily, or at least I think she has. She's had 2 fellas since and is working on a 3rd which I get to hear about every other night. All the while she is miserable like I am. I've had a few possibilites but nothing serious as I am much more selective than her, and I am more patient.
The truth is that I love her and I hate her. Sometimes I cannot identify which feeling is more dominant. I wish I could find a happy medium and just be, but I haven't been able to. It's obvious to me that my feelings for her are stronger than hers for me, but she hides things and has the ability to switch her feelings on or off, which dumbfounds me. I have a terrible poker face. I hide nothing and I feel strongly and openly. I feel pain and happiness all the time knowing her. Happiness because I feel to lucky to know such a person, and pain because of the disappointment and loss. So my mixtape sums up my feelings for her and my feelings for myself in this strange relationship.
This is what I have so far (about 75-80% complete) with artist and relevant lyric listed below:
Echo & the Bunnymen- bring on the dancing horses
"Shiver and say the words Of every lie you've heard First I'm gonna make it Then I'm gonna break it Till it falls apart Hating all the faking And shaking while I'm breaking Your brittle heart"
Joy Division- love will tear us apart
"When routine bites hard and ambitions are low and resentment rides high but emotions won't grow And we're changing our ways, taking different roads Then love, love will tear us apart again"
Til Tuesday- voices carry
"he tells me tears are something to hide and something to fear and I try so hard to keep it inside so no one can hear Hush hush keep it down now voices carry"
Replacements- the ledge
"I'm the boy she can't ignore For the first time in my life, I'm sure All the love sent up high to pledge"
Cure- close to me
"I've waited hours for this I've made myself so sick I wish I'd stayed asleep today I never thought this day would end I never thought tonight could ever be This close to me"
Haircut 100- love plus one
"Where does it go from here?
Is it down to the lake I fear?"
Style Council- my ever changing moods
"The love after the hate
The love we leave too late
I wish wed wake up one day - an everyone feel moved
But were caught up in the dailies and an ever changing mood"
Ivy- digging your scene (orginally recorded by the Blow Monkeys)
"just got your message baby
So sad to see you fade away
I'm like a boy among men
I'd like a permanent friend
I'd like to think that I was just myself again. Why is it I'm digging your scene
I know I'll die baby"
Clash- lost in the supermarket
"I'm all lost in the supermarket I can no longer shop happily I came in here for that special offer a guaranteed personality. "
New Order- temptation
"Oh, you've got green eyes Oh, you've got blue eyes Oh, you've got grey eyes And I've never seen anyone quite like you before No, I've never met anyone quite like you before"
Tears For Fears- change
"We walk and talk in time I walk and talk in two Where does the end of me Become the start of you When it's all too late"
Jesus and Mary Chain- head on
"Makes you want to feel Makes you want to try Makes you want to blow the stars from the sky I cant stand up I cant cool down I cant get my head off the ground"
Elvis Costello- no action
"I don't wanna kiss you. I don't wanna touch. I don't wanna see you 'cause I don't miss you that much. I'm not a telephone junkie. I told you that we were just good friends. But when I hold you like I hold that bakelite in my hands, there's no action, there's no action, Everytime I phone you, I just wanna put you down."
Smiths- there is a light that never goes out
"Take me out, tonight, Oh take me anywhere, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, Driving in your car, I never never want to go home, Because I haven't got one"
Talk Talk- it's my life
"Funny how I find myself in love with you If I could buy my reasoning I'd pay to lose One half won't do I've asked myself How much do you commit yourself? It's my life Don't you forget It's my life It never ends"
Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark- souvenir
"It's my obsession It's my creation You'll understand It's not important now"
Portishead- glory box
"I'm so tired of playing, Playing with this bow and arrow, Gonna give my heart away, Leave it to the other girls to play.
For I've been a temptress too long. Hmm just, Give me a reason to love you."
Ben Folds- the luckiest
"I don't get many things right the first time In fact, I am told that a lot Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls Brought me here And where was I before the day That I first saw your lovely face? Now I see it everyday And I know That I am I am The luckiest"
Hope all of you are having a nice weekend, I'm gonna try to do the same
Obviously, my ex and I were very close and we still are but it's different now. We are in different places, we live different lives and when we talk now it's for 15 minutes on the phone as opposed to 4 hours in the car, or 3 hours in the park. I tell you that it's very hard to remain good friends with someone you once loved deeply, because that past constantly returns to haunt you. I had never tried it before, and I admire anyone who accomplishes this. There are times I want to let go and rid myself of the shadows, and then there are other times where I need to know she's out there and okay because I care. She's moved on very easily, or at least I think she has. She's had 2 fellas since and is working on a 3rd which I get to hear about every other night. All the while she is miserable like I am. I've had a few possibilites but nothing serious as I am much more selective than her, and I am more patient.
The truth is that I love her and I hate her. Sometimes I cannot identify which feeling is more dominant. I wish I could find a happy medium and just be, but I haven't been able to. It's obvious to me that my feelings for her are stronger than hers for me, but she hides things and has the ability to switch her feelings on or off, which dumbfounds me. I have a terrible poker face. I hide nothing and I feel strongly and openly. I feel pain and happiness all the time knowing her. Happiness because I feel to lucky to know such a person, and pain because of the disappointment and loss. So my mixtape sums up my feelings for her and my feelings for myself in this strange relationship.
This is what I have so far (about 75-80% complete) with artist and relevant lyric listed below:
Echo & the Bunnymen- bring on the dancing horses
"Shiver and say the words Of every lie you've heard First I'm gonna make it Then I'm gonna break it Till it falls apart Hating all the faking And shaking while I'm breaking Your brittle heart"
Joy Division- love will tear us apart
"When routine bites hard and ambitions are low and resentment rides high but emotions won't grow And we're changing our ways, taking different roads Then love, love will tear us apart again"
Til Tuesday- voices carry
"he tells me tears are something to hide and something to fear and I try so hard to keep it inside so no one can hear Hush hush keep it down now voices carry"
Replacements- the ledge
"I'm the boy she can't ignore For the first time in my life, I'm sure All the love sent up high to pledge"
Cure- close to me
"I've waited hours for this I've made myself so sick I wish I'd stayed asleep today I never thought this day would end I never thought tonight could ever be This close to me"
Haircut 100- love plus one
"Where does it go from here?
Is it down to the lake I fear?"
Style Council- my ever changing moods
"The love after the hate
The love we leave too late
I wish wed wake up one day - an everyone feel moved
But were caught up in the dailies and an ever changing mood"
Ivy- digging your scene (orginally recorded by the Blow Monkeys)
"just got your message baby
So sad to see you fade away
I'm like a boy among men
I'd like a permanent friend
I'd like to think that I was just myself again. Why is it I'm digging your scene
I know I'll die baby"
Clash- lost in the supermarket
"I'm all lost in the supermarket I can no longer shop happily I came in here for that special offer a guaranteed personality. "
New Order- temptation
"Oh, you've got green eyes Oh, you've got blue eyes Oh, you've got grey eyes And I've never seen anyone quite like you before No, I've never met anyone quite like you before"
Tears For Fears- change
"We walk and talk in time I walk and talk in two Where does the end of me Become the start of you When it's all too late"
Jesus and Mary Chain- head on
"Makes you want to feel Makes you want to try Makes you want to blow the stars from the sky I cant stand up I cant cool down I cant get my head off the ground"
Elvis Costello- no action
"I don't wanna kiss you. I don't wanna touch. I don't wanna see you 'cause I don't miss you that much. I'm not a telephone junkie. I told you that we were just good friends. But when I hold you like I hold that bakelite in my hands, there's no action, there's no action, Everytime I phone you, I just wanna put you down."
Smiths- there is a light that never goes out
"Take me out, tonight, Oh take me anywhere, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, Driving in your car, I never never want to go home, Because I haven't got one"
Talk Talk- it's my life
"Funny how I find myself in love with you If I could buy my reasoning I'd pay to lose One half won't do I've asked myself How much do you commit yourself? It's my life Don't you forget It's my life It never ends"
Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark- souvenir
"It's my obsession It's my creation You'll understand It's not important now"
Portishead- glory box
"I'm so tired of playing, Playing with this bow and arrow, Gonna give my heart away, Leave it to the other girls to play.
For I've been a temptress too long. Hmm just, Give me a reason to love you."
Ben Folds- the luckiest
"I don't get many things right the first time In fact, I am told that a lot Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls Brought me here And where was I before the day That I first saw your lovely face? Now I see it everyday And I know That I am I am The luckiest"
Hope all of you are having a nice weekend, I'm gonna try to do the same
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
As far as I recall, I didn't read/watch anything which would explain that dream. It just came to me. Sometimes I can tell where my dreams came from, but not this one. Scary.
I've found that too, about getting just to the point of getting the answers or the power, or whatever...and then being interrupted. Maybe we're just not supposed to get all the answers all at once. Maybe it's too much for us to handle, so we have to get them piece by piece, learning slowly.