edwin

What's on my mind (2-22-09)

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind. Ive been doing so many
things, trying so many activities and actually enjoying being active
for a change that I forgot how much I truly love to do nothing. Im a
sucker for simplicity. My typical day involves work and then coming
home to either decompress or relax depending on how the work day went.
Ill flip on the television and the computer but not devote myself to
either. Ill do a few chores around the apartment or run to the store
if I have to but most times I let my mind play. Ive always been a
creative and rebellious spirit. Now Im not saying that I am some great
mind or great artist, but my mind wants to wander, to dream. I want to
think about the folly and splendor of everyday life and sometimes I
want to talk or write about it. Its what makes me happy.



Ill sit at home for 5 hours until bedtime caught up in my own little
whirlwind of thought, simulation and creativity. Its what works for
me. Ill think about something for half an hour and when I get stuck or
need a break, Ill check my email, watch a program and come back to it
later. For instance during the past few days I had three things on my
mind. I guess you could call them rhetorical questions but I will post
them here along with some of my thoughts. If you want to share your own
thoughts upon them feel free to post them I welcome the outside
perspective. Sometimes other people help me arrive at the answers I
need when they offer their perspective. Im only capable of thinking of
what Im capable of thinking of, you dig? Its the beauty of other
people in this world. Some might say it a curse too. Ill humor you if
you think that and say its a blessing and a curse but I feel like its
more of a blessing. Its a blessing because everyone has a story and
many times their stories are wonderful and you can learn so much from
them because their stories and opinions can be so much like yours. I
dont remember who said it but a famous quote that comes to mind is;
Ive never learned anything from someone who agreed with me. With
that in mind please chime in if any of these thoughts make you want to:



1- Why do certain people need to use big words all the time? Who talks
like this? Do you know anyone like this at work or in your social
circle? They always use an extensive vocabulary and take such pride in
it. The trouble is some people cant understand them. To top it all off
they wont acquiesce to the party with whom they are conversing, they
continue to articulate in an unreasonably obstinate manner as if they
belonged to a prestigious club or something. One, to me they look
ridiculous using all those big ass words, and two its not logical to
me to communicate in a way that most people either cant understand you
or may have a little difficulty. Communication between two people is
difficult enough, especially when you start to add in different
cultures, ages, accents and all the other things that can heighten the
ability to be understood. To me theres absolutely no need, especially
in everyday life, to make it harder to communicate for pompous or
stubborn reasons. If you are a rocket scientist, its fine to talk to
other scientists that way on the job but dont speak to the cashier at
the quickie mart that way, rule one of public speaking: know your
audience.



2- Ive always felt Ive had a love/hate relationship with myself but
does such a thing truly exist? Can you really love someone and hate
them at the same time? Ive really come to believe that I truly love
myself but I hate some of the choices I make with regards to myself,
does that make sense? I think part of the proof of this is if I really
didnt like myself too much, why wouldnt I play a role? Sometimes
youll run into people who have supposedly high self esteem yet they
pretend to be people they are not. People lie or at the very least
exaggerate to impress people. Do they really have high self esteem if
they do that?



Ive always thought I had low self esteem but youll never catch me
doing that. With me, what you see is what you get. The only times I
will ever exaggerate or withhold the truth is to spare someones
feelings or if I think its the right thing to do, but never really for
personal gain. Im straightforward and just me. Perhaps external forces
convince me my self esteem is low because I dont exhibit the
particular behaviors of a confident person but if I asked me, Id say I
was pretty cool. I mean with my imagination and penchant for dreaming
it was be very easy to create a different version to pass off as
myself. It would be easy to pretend and portray myself as cooler,
smarter, more fun, exciting, mysterious or interesting. I realize this
isnt the only way to gage self esteem, but I think I really like
myself a lot more than I thought I did. The bottom line is deep down I
love me some me. How empowering huh?



3- Lastly Ive been thinking about belief. Do things happen because you
believe they will? What I mean is, if you believe in something does
that make it more likely to happen? If you believe in God and you
experience something miraculous are you more inclines to call it a
miracle or an act of God more than someone who does not believe in God?
I suspect the answer is yes but I dont know for sure. I bring this up
because I was recently talking with a female friend about falling for
someone the second you meet or lock eyes. I think this is more commonly
referred to as love at first sight.



If youve read some of my earlier blogs youd know that I dont really
believe in it. I think its crap. There are nearly 7 billion people on
this planet. I think the odds of finding a true love or the one at the
market in your neighborhood are 92 gazillion to one. I know what you
are thinking Han Solo, never tell you the odds. I just think sometimes
2 people meet and theres a mutual attraction there. If they fall in
love and get married they romanticize their meeting by saying it as
love at first sight. Its an easy thing to say when youve made it to
the finish line. What about those people who flipped their lids when
they saw each other only to break up 5 weeks later. Was it love at
first sight? I think if you really believe in it, youd probably say it
is.



I can only speak intelligently about my own experience I think. The
only time Ive ever been in love when I first met the girl I didnt
even notice her. I didnt think she was attractive or interesting.
About a year later we began to hang out more and over a period of time
she went from being kinda blah looking to being incredibly beautiful
and very interesting. It snuck up on me. If I had steadfastly believed
my first impression of her, I never would have fallen for her and vice
versa. So I guess all Im saying is belief can be a powerful and
wonderful thing but be careful with belief. Sometimes it can give you a
narrow view of life. This will only work if it happens a certain way
because thats how I believe it will work. It may still work out for
you just like you planned, but if it doesnt you might feel bad or even
worse have missed something because of how you believed it would be.
Ive learned this lesson many times over the years in more ways than
the example I gave earlier. My advice to you is to remember that belief
is not always the truth. It is not knowledge. It is faith. You can use
belief as a guide and a component to a happy life but try to keep an
open mind too, you know? At least thats what I believe.