Happy to be content or content to be happy?
Sometimes I feel like the master of contradictions. I could give you dozens of little ones as examples of my theory but there is one big one that has consumed my thoughts of late. I've lived in my own little apartment going on 10 weeks now and while I've loved many aspects of the experience there is one major difference: I'm very lonely. I guess when you live with family, friends or roommates most of your life you are used to having people around. You are used to presences and conversations. You are used to attention and even affection. Now I have none of these. It seems I can go a whole day without talking to someone when I'm not working.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not asking for a roommate or someone to live with at all but the feeling of emptiness is causing me to come out of my social hibernation a bit. My last real relationship ended over 5 years ago. Since then I must have gone out on 10-15 first dates or meetings. On top of that there are probably 15-20 more people I chatted with online for a spell and then stopped. Altogether it translates into 5+ years of failure at this dating thing. In the last month alone it seems like I've failed with 3 different females. Sometimes they're not what I'm looking for; sometimes it's the other way around. I feel like I've come off of my lofty standards a great deal over the past few years, especially after a few near death experiences, but still here I am alone feeling very antsy.
I realize you're still waiting for the contradiction part and I swear its coming but I have to flesh out this lonely part first. Flesh is a good word; perhaps I used it on purpose. I have a taste or hunger for it I've never had. Even when I was 20 and I had the only casual, one night thing I ever had in my life it wasn't born out of hunger but curiosity. This feeling is unprecedented for me. I've become legendary in my own mind for my patience and discipline when it comes to relationships but this hunger is eating away at it. My hunger is two pronged: the first part is the sexual part. I'm looking to ravage someone and do all kinds of fun and naughty things to them, most of which they may like. The second part is romantic. I find myself wanting to be sitting comfortably right next to someone, hands interlocked or within an inch of each other maybe a head on the shoulder or arm around her as well. I want to feel close to her, not just in proximity but emotionally as well. Part of me wants to pour itself into another person, sharing and trusting, caring and loving. Part of me wants the physical relationship.
Now here comes the contradiction. Despite these lonely feelings and my cravings for sex, companionship, closeness, love, etc. there's a fear inside of me. There's a fear of shaking up my comfort zone. There's a fear of letting someone in. My life is comfy right now. I do things the way I like to do them for the most part and I'm not sure I want to shake up my life in the way that a relationship could. In essence, I've been single and alone for a long time, so long in fact that I am incredibly comfortable with life with myself. Basically I am content yet restless. I'm comfortable or dare I say happy to be content, but in a realistic sense you'd think I'd only be content to be happy.
How can someone be lonely, horny and eager yet content, satisfied and withdrawn? Up until a few weeks back I was only the latter, so maybe a change is coming over me. Another possibility, if this isn't a transitional phase is that perhaps I am not all those things? But where is the fiction in this reality? I must admit I do love a good mystery.
Sometimes I feel like the master of contradictions. I could give you dozens of little ones as examples of my theory but there is one big one that has consumed my thoughts of late. I've lived in my own little apartment going on 10 weeks now and while I've loved many aspects of the experience there is one major difference: I'm very lonely. I guess when you live with family, friends or roommates most of your life you are used to having people around. You are used to presences and conversations. You are used to attention and even affection. Now I have none of these. It seems I can go a whole day without talking to someone when I'm not working.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not asking for a roommate or someone to live with at all but the feeling of emptiness is causing me to come out of my social hibernation a bit. My last real relationship ended over 5 years ago. Since then I must have gone out on 10-15 first dates or meetings. On top of that there are probably 15-20 more people I chatted with online for a spell and then stopped. Altogether it translates into 5+ years of failure at this dating thing. In the last month alone it seems like I've failed with 3 different females. Sometimes they're not what I'm looking for; sometimes it's the other way around. I feel like I've come off of my lofty standards a great deal over the past few years, especially after a few near death experiences, but still here I am alone feeling very antsy.
I realize you're still waiting for the contradiction part and I swear its coming but I have to flesh out this lonely part first. Flesh is a good word; perhaps I used it on purpose. I have a taste or hunger for it I've never had. Even when I was 20 and I had the only casual, one night thing I ever had in my life it wasn't born out of hunger but curiosity. This feeling is unprecedented for me. I've become legendary in my own mind for my patience and discipline when it comes to relationships but this hunger is eating away at it. My hunger is two pronged: the first part is the sexual part. I'm looking to ravage someone and do all kinds of fun and naughty things to them, most of which they may like. The second part is romantic. I find myself wanting to be sitting comfortably right next to someone, hands interlocked or within an inch of each other maybe a head on the shoulder or arm around her as well. I want to feel close to her, not just in proximity but emotionally as well. Part of me wants to pour itself into another person, sharing and trusting, caring and loving. Part of me wants the physical relationship.
Now here comes the contradiction. Despite these lonely feelings and my cravings for sex, companionship, closeness, love, etc. there's a fear inside of me. There's a fear of shaking up my comfort zone. There's a fear of letting someone in. My life is comfy right now. I do things the way I like to do them for the most part and I'm not sure I want to shake up my life in the way that a relationship could. In essence, I've been single and alone for a long time, so long in fact that I am incredibly comfortable with life with myself. Basically I am content yet restless. I'm comfortable or dare I say happy to be content, but in a realistic sense you'd think I'd only be content to be happy.
How can someone be lonely, horny and eager yet content, satisfied and withdrawn? Up until a few weeks back I was only the latter, so maybe a change is coming over me. Another possibility, if this isn't a transitional phase is that perhaps I am not all those things? But where is the fiction in this reality? I must admit I do love a good mystery.