Today versus tomorrow (6-2-08)
For most of my life I've lived in the moment. I've often tried to enjoy the next 5 minutes no matter what the cost would be. I'm not self destructive. I don't mean I sacrifice tomorrow for today in drastic ways. I don't do drugs, smoke and I rarely drink. I don't have casual sex, lie to friends or spend money I don't have... at least not anymore (as far as the money goes).
I'm the antithesis of the young Luke Skywalker in the Star Wars movies. Yoda is skeptical about training young Luke because the religion of the Jedi requires patience, the most serious mind and the deepest commitment and Yoda's assessment of Luke was; "All his life has he looked away ... to the horizon, to the sky, to the future. Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing. Adventure ha! Excitement ha! A Jedi craves not these things!"
In contrast to Luke my mind is often entirely focused on where I am and what I am doing, almost to a fault. I am careful and calculating. I am sharp and always thinking about the minute ahead. I can't let go and I can't look away. I am so focused on the now that my narrow minded fixation of the moment can't see into the future, can't make long terms plans or commitments. Sure I daydream, wish and hope but they aren't for realistic things. My ability to plan long term and see it through doesn't exist, at least not to this point and not when it comes to important things.
It's an interesting dichotomy, the ability to be focused on enjoying every minute but also having the ability to quickly ponder and consider which course of action to take. Does this make sense to anyone? It's not like I run around recklessly without a helmet like a child running with scissors. But it is like I'll have a large serving of bread pudding knowing that I may gain a pound from it and leave myself feeling awful, guilty and depressed the next day but consider the value of how it will make me feel that moment and consider it a fair trade. For the 10 minutes I am eating it I am on cloud nine and that's what I focus on, the moment. I want to enjoy right now. Enjoying tomorrow would be nice and I will cross that bridge when I get to it, but if I can make right now wonderful than that's what I'll do. Am I a slave to my impulses? What's wrong with being happy? What's wrong with being free? But am I really free when making myself so happy in a minute will plague me for hours or days later on?
I pride myself on my childlike appreciation of things, but I obviously haven't mastered it. I haven't quite found the balance between the whole wheat side and the frosted side. I say this because I often think my lack of foresight and my frivolous behavior of the moment may be an immaturity of sorts. Perhaps I need to change. Perhaps I don't need to change but I need to meet someone who can balance me out, you know the ying and yang. It's such a tired old cliche but maybe I need someone to complete me because I feel like I have half of it down but I just can't seem to find the missing pieces to complete the puzzle inside of me. Maybe the pieces reside outside of me. I leave you with one of favorite songs of all time and a lyric that explains me to a tee:
Emiliana Torrini- "To Be Free"
"It shouldn't hurt me to be free it's what I really need... to pull my life together. But if it's so good being free would you mind telling me, why I don't know what to do with myself."
For most of my life I've lived in the moment. I've often tried to enjoy the next 5 minutes no matter what the cost would be. I'm not self destructive. I don't mean I sacrifice tomorrow for today in drastic ways. I don't do drugs, smoke and I rarely drink. I don't have casual sex, lie to friends or spend money I don't have... at least not anymore (as far as the money goes).
I'm the antithesis of the young Luke Skywalker in the Star Wars movies. Yoda is skeptical about training young Luke because the religion of the Jedi requires patience, the most serious mind and the deepest commitment and Yoda's assessment of Luke was; "All his life has he looked away ... to the horizon, to the sky, to the future. Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing. Adventure ha! Excitement ha! A Jedi craves not these things!"
In contrast to Luke my mind is often entirely focused on where I am and what I am doing, almost to a fault. I am careful and calculating. I am sharp and always thinking about the minute ahead. I can't let go and I can't look away. I am so focused on the now that my narrow minded fixation of the moment can't see into the future, can't make long terms plans or commitments. Sure I daydream, wish and hope but they aren't for realistic things. My ability to plan long term and see it through doesn't exist, at least not to this point and not when it comes to important things.
It's an interesting dichotomy, the ability to be focused on enjoying every minute but also having the ability to quickly ponder and consider which course of action to take. Does this make sense to anyone? It's not like I run around recklessly without a helmet like a child running with scissors. But it is like I'll have a large serving of bread pudding knowing that I may gain a pound from it and leave myself feeling awful, guilty and depressed the next day but consider the value of how it will make me feel that moment and consider it a fair trade. For the 10 minutes I am eating it I am on cloud nine and that's what I focus on, the moment. I want to enjoy right now. Enjoying tomorrow would be nice and I will cross that bridge when I get to it, but if I can make right now wonderful than that's what I'll do. Am I a slave to my impulses? What's wrong with being happy? What's wrong with being free? But am I really free when making myself so happy in a minute will plague me for hours or days later on?
I pride myself on my childlike appreciation of things, but I obviously haven't mastered it. I haven't quite found the balance between the whole wheat side and the frosted side. I say this because I often think my lack of foresight and my frivolous behavior of the moment may be an immaturity of sorts. Perhaps I need to change. Perhaps I don't need to change but I need to meet someone who can balance me out, you know the ying and yang. It's such a tired old cliche but maybe I need someone to complete me because I feel like I have half of it down but I just can't seem to find the missing pieces to complete the puzzle inside of me. Maybe the pieces reside outside of me. I leave you with one of favorite songs of all time and a lyric that explains me to a tee:
Emiliana Torrini- "To Be Free"
"It shouldn't hurt me to be free it's what I really need... to pull my life together. But if it's so good being free would you mind telling me, why I don't know what to do with myself."
jaie:
aw thanks! i appricate the lovin on my set 
dysis:
Hey boy! 
