Dreaming is free (12-28-06)
"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world." - Oscar Wilde
I am a dreamer. I always have been. As a kid I could play all day because of my imagination and limitless energy. I would whisk myself away with a few dozen G.I. Joes and occupy a whole new world until my mom told me I had to come back. The G.I. Joes wouldn't always arrive at a warzone. Sometimes it would be outer space, other times in a metropolis. Many times I would have them act out things they weren't trained for. When all of that was over I would lie in bed at night and ponder serendipitous fortunes. Sometimes I would lay there for a good half hour dreaming about a different life, or a different choice or a case of good luck. All that dreaming before going to sleep makes me wonder if that's why I rarely remember my dreams at night. Maybe I have a dream quota and I use it all up during my waking hours so the tank is empty at night when I sleep.
I am a dreamer. I am a deep down optimistic child. I am a man in every other respect, but when you get past all of that exterior wrapping, the interior present reveals a person who is curious, happy and sad like a child. You'll find a person who craves attention but acts like he doesn't want it. You'll find a person who is sensitive and cuts easily but hides the wounds behind a strong ability to act and pretend. You'll find a person who still wants to grow up and be a movie star, or a musician, or a policeman. But most of all, you'll find a person who is filled with hope. He has hope for the world, hope for other people, hope he'll find love, hope that he'll never waste his time or his words. Underneath the environmentally hardened exterior of Edwin, you'll find the optimistic, loving, generous, curious, silly and childlike son of a bitch named Eddie.
When you see me on the street with my normal facial expression (which often resembles a scowl I've been told) and I seem unapproachable, that's Edwin. When we are alone together and I'm goofing about and doing anything I can think of to bring a smile to your face while you are hurting, that's Eddie. When you approach a man at a party where there are tons of people crammed into a space and it appears he has a lot on his mind, so much in fact that he seems disconnected to the rest of the world, that's Edwin. But when that party dwindles down to a handful of people and suddenly this quiet, sullen looking guy is cracking joke after joke while revealing a reddish hue in his cheeks right above his now visible dimples, that's Eddie. I think you get the point.
I am both of these people and occasion I am both at the same time. I'm not talking about split personalities; I'm talking about facets of the same personality. Eddie is that childlike, romantic, loving, optimistic dreamer while Edwin is the hardened, logical, conscientious, over analyzing skeptical realist. Together they make me. They combine forces to make me the enigma that I am. They combine to give me hope in an otherwise hopeless world. They make me believe that somehow, someway I will find someone who deserves my bottomless supply of love and generosity. If it wasn't for that hope, I may as well be dead. What's life worth if you have nothing to look forward to? What's worth fighting for if you didn't hope that it would be worth the fight someday?
I am a patient man. I waited so long for love to come my way. When it did, the distance between us or whatever obstacles presented in front of me could not stop my passion. How else would you enter into a relationship with someone who was moving away a month after you kissed for the first time. I was willing to be in a long distance relationship for years with her to reach a point where we could finally be together. It's that whole means to an end thing. If something is truly worth it, I'll wait as long as it takes. The dreamer inside of me convinces me everyday that there are things to hope for things worth having. That day when the dreamer inside of me dies so will Eddie, leaving Edwin to live alone. Once that occurs I will hopefully be a broken old man who is ready to move on to the next life because without hope, without dream I am no more.
"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world." - Oscar Wilde
I am a dreamer. I always have been. As a kid I could play all day because of my imagination and limitless energy. I would whisk myself away with a few dozen G.I. Joes and occupy a whole new world until my mom told me I had to come back. The G.I. Joes wouldn't always arrive at a warzone. Sometimes it would be outer space, other times in a metropolis. Many times I would have them act out things they weren't trained for. When all of that was over I would lie in bed at night and ponder serendipitous fortunes. Sometimes I would lay there for a good half hour dreaming about a different life, or a different choice or a case of good luck. All that dreaming before going to sleep makes me wonder if that's why I rarely remember my dreams at night. Maybe I have a dream quota and I use it all up during my waking hours so the tank is empty at night when I sleep.
I am a dreamer. I am a deep down optimistic child. I am a man in every other respect, but when you get past all of that exterior wrapping, the interior present reveals a person who is curious, happy and sad like a child. You'll find a person who craves attention but acts like he doesn't want it. You'll find a person who is sensitive and cuts easily but hides the wounds behind a strong ability to act and pretend. You'll find a person who still wants to grow up and be a movie star, or a musician, or a policeman. But most of all, you'll find a person who is filled with hope. He has hope for the world, hope for other people, hope he'll find love, hope that he'll never waste his time or his words. Underneath the environmentally hardened exterior of Edwin, you'll find the optimistic, loving, generous, curious, silly and childlike son of a bitch named Eddie.
When you see me on the street with my normal facial expression (which often resembles a scowl I've been told) and I seem unapproachable, that's Edwin. When we are alone together and I'm goofing about and doing anything I can think of to bring a smile to your face while you are hurting, that's Eddie. When you approach a man at a party where there are tons of people crammed into a space and it appears he has a lot on his mind, so much in fact that he seems disconnected to the rest of the world, that's Edwin. But when that party dwindles down to a handful of people and suddenly this quiet, sullen looking guy is cracking joke after joke while revealing a reddish hue in his cheeks right above his now visible dimples, that's Eddie. I think you get the point.
I am both of these people and occasion I am both at the same time. I'm not talking about split personalities; I'm talking about facets of the same personality. Eddie is that childlike, romantic, loving, optimistic dreamer while Edwin is the hardened, logical, conscientious, over analyzing skeptical realist. Together they make me. They combine forces to make me the enigma that I am. They combine to give me hope in an otherwise hopeless world. They make me believe that somehow, someway I will find someone who deserves my bottomless supply of love and generosity. If it wasn't for that hope, I may as well be dead. What's life worth if you have nothing to look forward to? What's worth fighting for if you didn't hope that it would be worth the fight someday?
I am a patient man. I waited so long for love to come my way. When it did, the distance between us or whatever obstacles presented in front of me could not stop my passion. How else would you enter into a relationship with someone who was moving away a month after you kissed for the first time. I was willing to be in a long distance relationship for years with her to reach a point where we could finally be together. It's that whole means to an end thing. If something is truly worth it, I'll wait as long as it takes. The dreamer inside of me convinces me everyday that there are things to hope for things worth having. That day when the dreamer inside of me dies so will Eddie, leaving Edwin to live alone. Once that occurs I will hopefully be a broken old man who is ready to move on to the next life because without hope, without dream I am no more.